My Muse

January 2

2012-01-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

Indulging in a Gilmore Girls marathon on the couch.... nothing has ever felt so right! It's nice to be in the living room... something about this tiny apartment drives me and Corey to be in the bedroom constantly (it isn't how it sounds... theres just no where to "be" in this apartment). I managed to shake my headache, no doubt brought on by my allergies. Today we planned to run at 11:00 but we both decided it wasn't worth the drive. I can't wait to live somewhere that allows for neighborhood running.

Didn't eat very healthily today! However, work was easy and I got to watch Rachael's wedding makeup consultation at Sephora, so that was fun :) Went to alehouse with the Season's crew... that was also fun.

Boring post! However, I did decide to make more of an effort to cook at home... a bad bought of nacho's nudged me in the right direction on that one.

Good morrow!

January 1

2012-01-01T21:11:00.001-08:00

Day one.... 1.25 mile run at Riverside park, healthy breakfast and lunch. Also.... HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER MARATHON

1000 Words

2011-02-09T17:36:00.001-08:00

Those little dogs were dining on OC's patio a few Sunday's ago. I thought they were cute. I have a heart for pugs.

Today I gave blood. And passed out not a lot baby girl, just a little bit. The good news: While having my arm drained, I listened to the likes of Trey Songz and Rhianna through the Blood Bus speaker system. That was a very nice distraction. I was completely fine until the needle was out. They asked me to raise my arm, and the second I did I became all warm and I kept trying to close my eyes (pass out) and my stomach churned like I was going to throw up. And then I lost consciousness. Luckily they revived me quickly and efficiently with a sopping wet cold towel and a patch of ammonia. Hooray NH3!

And, also.

2011-02-01T18:42:00.001-08:00

I have been such a colossal biatch to my family lately, I decided to buy something pretty for the dinner table (relationship between two concepts- minimal). Something about the fact that flowers are living brings me great joy. These are the flowers I want to carry down the aisle at my wedding. Well, not the exact ones I purchased today. They will be long gone (so it goes). But I want calla lilies in my hands at my wedding, and thats the real moral of the story here.

Another question.

2011-02-01T18:35:00.000-08:00

Am I having a slow breakdown or am I rebuilding?

"I've never loved somebody fully, always one foot on the ground. By protecting myself truly, I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind."

Lost and found.

2011-01-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you stumble across something that is perfect.

"I'm afraid I just blue myself"

2010-12-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

The neighborhood where I am staying in Acton, Mass is exactly as I imagined it would be. Picturesque and full of barren trees. The Oppenheim house is extremely cozy. I am equally tempted to fall asleep in each room, a direct result of the warm colors and soft couches.

My favorite part of the trip so far, besides getting to meet the strangers with whom I have been in communication with for years, was absolutely Harvard. If there is one thing that the past seven months has taught me, it is that I am not comfortable unless I am in, on, or around a school. And what better of a school to immerse yourself in than Harvard- even if its only for a few minutes? It was gorgeous, as to be expected. The bookstore across the road from the campus was impressive as well. It reminded me of one that we visited in NYC next to Lincoln Square.

Boston is no New York. Nothing is like New York, for better or for worse, but I will say that Boston is definitely more manageable. It doesn't overwhelm a person the way that New York might. I didn't get to see a lot, but what I did see was definitely "cute", for lack of a better word. I have heard the Boston accent. Boston wasn't visually what I expected- it was much cleaner and, again, "cuter".

I have really gotten a chance to lounge and eat on this vacation. What more could I ever want?

I will say this though... vacationing reminds me of past vacationing, and that makes me feel a little bit lonely.

Nanananan VCUT

2010-11-28T15:42:00.000-08:00

I don't have anything to say. I'm too busy...going. I am watching Eat Pray Love. That's whats happening with that.

My Happy Place

2010-10-13T22:09:00.001-07:00

Maybe my happy place is where it's always been, which is comfortably lounging surrounded by books, magazines, and movies.

Marathons I am going to have:

The OC

Grey's Anatomy

Mad Men

Modern Family

30 Rock

Twilight

Geez! So busy :)

Things to Reflect On

2010-10-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

Things I am reflecting on:

1. How I should be writing a novel, not a blog. And yet...

2. Sonny's. Because food has been my only priority as of late.

3. My wonderful weekend in Amelia Island with Josh. It was nice to get away. And incase you are wondering, yes, I did sleep a full 12 hours in the soft hotel bed. It was everything I hoped for and more.

4. PA school and this blog I found from a girl who went through PA school. It's really shedding some light on the whole process.

5. My allergies. Are they real? ARE THEY? The answer is yes. They most certainly are.

6. How wonderful today's weather was. This is how October SHOULD feel. It was absolute perfection.

7. 500 Days of Summer. I love Zooey Deschanel.

8. I should hopefully start volunteering at Shands Jax soon. Infant Cuddling! I hope that it is what I am imagining it to be- which is a way to meet nurses who are experienced in Women's Health and Pediatrics and who can talk to me about the career. It probably won't be like that at all though. At least it'll be hours for my resume!

9. I need a PA to shadow.

10. 10 is a good, round number.

People I like, for some reason or another.

2010-09-29T19:43:00.001-07:00

Here is a collection of famous people that I like. RIGHT?!

2010-09-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

I saw this person once who had really nice hair and appeared to have a very definitive personality. She was sort of southern, sweet, and well put together. I don't know why I remember her, but I remember thinking she would make a really good character in my book. I think everyone would make a really great character in my book, which is why my book has too many characters and not enough plot. But she had really great hair, a strong accent, and pretty jewelry! That should be enough to carry my book, right?

Gucci Mane

2010-09-12T17:30:00.001-07:00

I feel like I have found something that I have been missing. People that I have been missing.

I feel like I am being driven by all of these fluttering feelings.

I feel emotional when it's appropriate.

I am having a lot of fun.

What to do

2010-08-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

I feel completely empowered, like I can do anything I want to do.

So.. what do I want to do?

FSU has a lot of great programs, and since I don't think I'd get back into UF anyway, FSU seems like a viable option.

I love the meteorology program, but that seems very math oriented. They have a lot of great environmental programs, but I can't help but feel drawn to more medically-centered programs too! I guess the practical application of a medical degree appeals to me. I love so many things that it is hard for me to pick.

Decision is the mother of all confusion.

Though, I was able to decide on a couch set for the new apartment that I don't live in quite yet.

http://www.westelm.com/products/armless-upholstered-sofa-f986/?pkey=csofas-sectionals-couch

I love the simplicity of the design of most Asian restaurants. It's going to be hard to fit my life into such a streamlined design scheme. We shall overcome.

Why am I obsessed with...

2010-08-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

Why am I obsessed with certain shows? I think I know the reasons, but sometimes its hard to say why I like the things that I like.

This obsession with certain shows started at a young age, when I was introduced to The Wonder Years. I remember curling up in my nana Barbara's bedroom and watching episodes on her television on Nick-at-night. They used to do something called "Block Party Summer" and Thursdays (or was it Tuesdays?) they'd do several episodes of The Wonder Years. I was enraptured by the show. Either it appealed to me because it was sentimental or I became sentimental because of it. It's hard to say for sure! I loved Kevin's adult voice that commented on his younger self. I loved Winnie Cooper (so much so that I nick-named myself Winnie... now THAT's commitment). I just loved the intensity of it all, because when you are young everything feels intense. I never will forget my first love. Je taime, Wonder Years. The weird thing is, I didn't even love Kevin. I felt like I was his friend. I felt like if we both existed, he would come to me for advice about Winnie. Isn't it a little bit depressing that I wasn't even the star of my own fantasy? Young Barb, go back and GET YOURS!

Then, I moved a little away from shows and towards books- namely, Harry Potter. I started the series on the way to Sunday School and asked my mother if I could bring it in. She said no, shockingly. Harry and I grew up together- a period of 7 years where we shared trials and tribulations. His trials were possibly more serious than my own but who is keeping score? I literally never left my house without a Harry Potter book. I wouldn't go on vacation without the fifth book for some reason. It was my "comfort object", like they have in the book The Giver. I loved and will continue to worship that series for its creativity, amazing detail, and cohesiveness. I loved escaping to another world.

I had a few flings after/among Harry Potter. One I remember distinctively was The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. When you are a person who likes to borrow other's identities and character traits once and a while, there's nothing quite like a book with 4 completely different (yet pretty much the same) identities to chose from. With SOTP, I could be a Tibby- sarcastic and "progressive", a Carmen- intelligent and outspoken, a Lena- sensitive and artistic, or a Bridget- outgoing and athletic. I loved reading books where I could live vicariously through people instead of getting my own life. Sad? Not in retrospect. It was just... necessary. It's not like I was allowed to leave my house and have a real opportunity to develop a character of my own *cough cough, jab at my parents.* For the record, I rarely jab at my parents, so that's... well, that's that.

Another brief fling was with an author named Sarah Dessen. No wizardry or deeply rooted friendships... just plain old teenage girls feeling things. It was a tame phase. Nothing much to report.

And back to the shows. Gilmore Girls. A defining show for me because of where I was when I first discovered it... newly settled into a bedroom at Grandma's, ready for a change of pace. I sat in my bed (which still felt borrowed) and ate round Tostitoes with cream cheese while the Gilmore Girls of the show chirped away at warp speed. Grandma was somewhere in the background, clearing a shelf for me and inviting me to sprawl out with my personal possessions because, after all, this was to be my new home. And sprawled out I did... in time. Gilmore Girls was high school, for better or for worse.

Once high school ended, I found that I had less time to read and more time to watch t.v. alone in my dorm room... funny how that works. I partially attribute a spike in my sitcom/dramedy consumption to my bout of Mono that happened spring of freshman year. If I am being honest with myself, however, I know that this latent period in my social development was because of my own emotional cluelessness and insecurity... Mono or no Mono, I wasn't ready to branch out. I had no idea how to make friends, and I wondered how I had so many back home to begin with. I felt like I was imposing on everyone with my marginal wants and needs, including my then boyfriend (which quickly became an ex-boyfriend). So I lounged hardcore with a box of family-sized Velveeta and my new two loves: Grey's Anatomy and The Office. Only one of these shows had staying power. If you've ever met me, you know which one it was/is.

The Office came to me on Thanksgiving Break. My brother and I were at Downtown Disney exploring Virgin Megastore. I purchased season 1 on a whim, without realizing how much emotional attachment I would later develop for it. I might as well have bought a puppy. My brother and I sat in our Timeshare and watched the whole first season, giggling like little school girls. I was hooked. For some reason, when I think of my early days with The Office, I think of this one day during freshman year when I was sick and hungry and, of course, in my dormroom. I ordered Gumby's cheesy bread (dank) and had it delivered. I ate half the box and watched an episode at the end of season 3 where they go on a beach trip. I noticed beyond my television at one point, out the large glass window that stood behind it. The dorm I lived in was new and brick, and I noticed how pretty it was. I'm not very good with segues, so I will just go ahead and say, I already miss UF. Not because of what it is but because I am a nostalgic fool who is afraid to forget anything, ever. I am afraid when I love something because that means someday it will end or I will lose it or I will forget why I love it at all. Of course, I still have The Office and it's not changing. Only I can change, and I do all the time. I am constantly changing, so much so that I sometimes can't keep up and completely forget who I am and what I want. A person who is completely dictated by his or her surroundings will crumble when the surroundings are unstable. They too will reflect this instability. When I was a young girl, I didn't have stability (or that great of social skills) and I never learned how to make a decision or say what I wanted or needed. So I looked to characters and fictional, non-changing, worlds for life and reality. There is no reality in fiction, but I do stand by that fiction almost always imitates an author's reality in some way or another. These shows and books that I have obsessed over, and will continue to obsess over (Don't even get me started on Twilight or 30 Rock. Like I needed an excuse to enjoy Washington or NYC even more than I would have anyway. Oh God, Arrested Development... somebody stop me) may have determined my identity when I was younger because I wanted them to. I wanted to be the characters and not myself because myself sucked and the characters didn't. However, when I first had the epiphany that this was crazy, I went about fixing in the wrong way. I said NO MORE FICTION! and I tried to create myself as a definite, unchanging character in my own sitcom/dramedy/epic literary series/whatev-skies.

Then I had another epiphany, about 15 seconds ago. My identity is about as fluid as can be and I constantly redefine myself (based loosely on the fictional character's whose lives I envy) because I am insatiable and insecure and will never think what I am is good enough. I also get bored easily. Oh, and I'm also a touch obsessive. Life is a bitch and my escape of choice is fiction. What's that you say? Drinking is easier? Nah... 30 dollars for a DVD box set that entertains me for years is a better expenditure than a 12 pack of beer that lasts me 2 nights.

Simple economics.

Need to Brew

2010-07-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

The unthinkable has happened.

I no longer like my signature wimpy brand of coffee drink. I take one sip of the mocha abomination and I immediately crave anything else. It was so bad today that I actually had to make an excuse for the drink, to keep it from feeling ashamed- "maybe it's just reacting with my special brand of Crest for sensitive teeth".

Or maybe it just sucks, because its not real anything.

Time to brew my own coffee. It's happening. I wish it were happening right this second because I am exhausted. But I'm not, and I won't, because I don't feel like it. Partly because I am too tired to brew coffee (haha?) and partly because I don't know if there is any in the cabinet. And the past part...ly... is that Josh and I are playing soccer lately and I don't want that weight on my stomach.

The world cup semifinal between Netherlands/Holland/Deutchland-right?/The Dutch/Orange/NottheDanes and Uruguay. It's a good game so far- 1-1 score. I am thoroughly enjoying the world cup. And, ahhh, there it is... someone just got kicked in the face by "accident". I love the drama.

Having a good time with the new phone. Having a good time with chemistry. Having a decent time with work... mmmph, yep, I'll call it decent because it is I suppose. I am having a blast with Trueblood. At least my priorities are in order. 1. Phone. 2. Chemistry. 3. "mmmph-work". 4. Trueblood.

Picture: NC Carolina, Lake Lure, Last summer (2009). I want to go on a trip there again. Just saying.

And if...

2010-07-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

Right now, what I feel like writing a book about is something pretty simple and partly autobiographical: A person who makes a list of his or her fears and shitty memories, determined to undo the damage that those fears and experiences have inflicted (*cue* Undo It by Carrie Underwood). It could be really cheesy and rigid, like a series of short stories almost. It could be really involved. I don't know. I just like the idea of a character actively trying to change themselves, while surrounded by other really vivid characters who sometimes fuel, sometimes inhibit, that change. It makes me think of how everyone wants to be different when they go to college, but some people are scared to admit just how they want their life to be different. People fear change. That would be my main characters number one fear. It's so broad that it can take on a lot of meanings for him/her while also being the theme of the book.

Don't be jeal.

What a terrible night.

2010-07-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

What a terrible night tonight was, for a lot of reasons. I made almost no money (no one at my restaurant did). I closed the upstairs alone. It was just... unfortunate all around.

However, for more reasons, it was a good night. I am happy. I was able to stand around with my friends and watch fireworks from O.C.'s patio. I am loved and capable of loving others. I could have not been scheduled at all and made even less/spent money- so I am good there!

I just want to stay positive about everything. There are too many negative, oppressive attitudes in the work place and on the earth. I don't want to postpone my happiness by finding little things to be miserable over. NOW IS THE TIME FOR HAPPINESS!

I don't want to sit still.

2010-05-31T12:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to be still. I need to be in constant motion to feel productive. That probably isn't logical. In a related story, here is George Clooney with a puppy.

Now that I know what I know, I know I'll...

2010-05-24T22:16:00.001-07:00

Downloaded the Sweet Home Alabama soundtrack, so as not to loose touch with the part of me that is emotionally swayed by Jewel re-doing Skynard songs.

I am enjoying O.C. Whites. Partly because it is nothing like retail. I was tired of being alone.

I am excited about continuing my schooling. It was always my plan to do more, I just have trouble with the specifics. I will definitely finish the educator prep program at St. Johns as well... Grandma wouldn't have it any other way, and neither would I for that matter :)

I want to go on a trip. More tomorrow.

Quiz

2010-05-14T22:22:00.001-07:00

You wanna send me a fax, buy me a fax machine.

NAME THAT MOVIE!

Headache

2010-05-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

I guess the biggest difference between myself now and myself before graduation is that I am awake at 12:45 a.m. It feels like college never happened somehow. I feel really powerful moments where I am consumed by this feeling like I need to be in Gainesville doing something, but then I remember that right now my only obligation is to Honda for a car payment and to O.C. Whites. It's hard to adjust to having less to do. I have actual free time now! It's wonderful. I watched episodes of The Office on Hulu, went to the beach with my bestie, and took Tristan to the park.

My new car is amazing. I am so scared something is going to happen to it. That's just me, being afraid of every nice thing that comes my way.

My job is fun. I enjoy being around people. I can't believe how many years I spent working in retail. And it wasn't even that many. I guess I am just one of those people who needs to do something. And retail is not conducive to actual activity.

I drank coffee tonight, and its wearing off in a hurry. Time to crash.

Done. Zo.

2010-04-26T08:04:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm back at grandma's house breathing the air, reacting to the dust, and eating the food. I worried that it would feel like I was moving back in time, but really it just feels like... nothing. I moved my room around and threw away a LOT of stuff. It feels good to trash things.

Life is too short.

Last days at High Springs!

2010-04-16T12:16:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of my internship. Wow, wow, wow. Adorable and slightly heart wrenching. Even though I am sure the children will forget me, in the last minutes when they were crying and saying goodbye I felt like I had all of the appreciation and love that I could ever hope from a job. Mrs. R had them go around and say one nice thing about us and some of them were a little funny, like when one kid said, "Well... bye! High five!" Some were sad, like when one boy said, "I don't like it when people I have known for a long time leave me". I happen to know his parents are getting a divorce, so that made me really sad. I started to tear up when he said that, and when the girls noticed that three or four of them started crying too. They quickly forgot why they were crying though when we walked them to lunch, so I am confident that their fragile emotional psyche is going to be okay. Mrs. R was generous and I am going to miss how kindhearted she is. It's rare to meet someone so... nice. It's kind of a cop-out to call someone "nice" but thats just really what she is. Nice. Sweet as honey.

I got an orchid plant, some cards, drawings, a gift card, a candle, and a laminated class picture. I am going to start a teacher book and put drawings and cards and things in there, so I am excited about that... you will find me in the scrap booking section of Michaels if you need to reach me in the next.. millennia. Kids are so generous and so pure- even if they do claim to love grand theft auto (whose parents let that happen, btw?)

Yesterday Meg, Meg, and I hung out with Dr. Zeig for like an hour after class and she invited us to help her at a benefit that happened today. Me and Meg N. were able to go, and it was wonderful. Zeig is a representative for Kelly's Kids, a clothing store that operates like pampered chef parties, and they donated kids clothes for a fashion show that happened at the end of the benefit. The benefit was raise money for cancer research at Shands. These children were incredible. They had been through hell and back and still had a smile on their little faces. Even more shocking was how positive and kind their parents were. They certainly did not walk around with an overwhelmed, defeated 'oh, my life' look on their faces AT all, which I thought a parent of a sick child must look like. Instead, they were strong and positive. It was wonderful to see. The clothes were adorable; everyone looked adorable decked out in plaid and polka dots. The girls who still had hair wore large bows, but when it came time to walk the runway the show coordinator gave them a sailor hat to wear. They were slightly disappointed to cover their large, colorful bows :)

Zeig is a baller, by the way. I totally want to be like her when i'm in my thirities. Mostly because she teaches/researches exactly what i am interested in (literacy) and somehow still affords a nice car. Living the dream haha. I do plan to follow through on getting a car sometime in the next two months and I am SO thrilled. CALL ME, OC WHITES.

:) Like the cheesy, chalk-colored shirts claim: Life is Good.

2010-04-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

"If you don't like what we do here, than you should be the one to leave."

Little T.

2010-04-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

Meet little T. He pretty much lights up my life and brings out the most amazing side of my boyfriend. I love watching him take care of this little guy. It is really beautiful.

Today we went to the beach and T used a shovel and pail for the first time. He discovered his first sea shell ever. J asked while we stood there and watched him, "Can you imagine what it is like for him? He is discovering his first sea shell. He has never seen anything like a 'sea shell' before". It's amazing to discover things. I hope that we never stop discovering things.

We toured UCF today, sans Little T, and I think that J was impressed. The city is huge and filled with places for me to spend money, so don't you worry. Don't you worry for one second. Money will be spent.

Actually, I really have been making a concerted effort to save. I know I've said it before but I am very serious about it this time. I want to save enough so that I don't constantly have to worry about over drafting every time I get gas. Or buy a Miley song off iTunes. You know? You've been there, right?

Today J and I did a lot of yard work. Well, it would more accurately be described as "driveway work" but it was intense. We raked and swept and poured and clipped. It looks significantly better, though with the large amount of rain anticipated in this area tomorrow I'm sure the leaves will come flooding back from their hiding places in his jungle-like yard. Oh well! It feels good to do the work none the less. And, now I can see his front stairs. Hoorah!

It was a wonderful day. Lots of time spent outdoors, lots of love going around, and a brief moment of confusion when A went missing (thats right, A. An elephant never forgets). All and all, I would say Second Spring Break has been wonderful. I spent Easter with my family (more of my family than I was used to seeing in fact!). I went to church which felt absolutely wonderful. I have watched good movies (17 Again, Vicky Christina Barcelona, I Love You Man). I visited my best friend at her cute house.

And I had a chance encounter with a friend of my mothers that really made me think. This woman has such an incredible story. She has stage 4 cancer, and I have never interacted with someone with that diagnosis before. She really made me think of some things that I had never considered before. We are all on timed schedules... some people just happen to know their time. There is no barrier between the sick and the healthy, because we are all capable of death. I know it sounds morbid, but really its kind of.. uniting.

Anyway.... I... yah thats all. I am going to jump in a pool now.

Vicky Christina Barcelona

2010-04-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

Vicky Christina Barcelona is the king (queen?) of sexy movies. Here is why:

1. It takes place in Barcelona. Anything filmed in Europe is exotic to us silly Americans. This movie showcased a lot of great architecture and art, which makes me feel like I need more culture in my life.

2. Everyone it is fabulous sexy. Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson, Javier Bardem, Rebecca Hall... need I say more? If I do need to say more, what I will say is: Google it.

3. Javier and Penelope speak spanish. And I love that.

4. It was directed by Woody Allen. I have never been disappointed by something that he's done. His work is so distinctive. I noticed his signature touch all over the narration.

I'm not a movie reviewer. All I know is that this movie made me and Lauren want to go to Barcelona and speak spanish all the live long day.

Fireflies.

2010-03-30T14:36:00.001-07:00

Two parter! Show stopper!

Part 1. Things that aren't related to teaching. (This section will probably get a lot longer in about two weeks when UF is all said and done... if I pass these last few classes, that is.)

Part 2. Things that are related to teaching.

1. Unrelated to teaching.

Why, what lovely weather we are having!

Possibly some ramen noodles on the dinner-time horizon.

American Idol later.

Jamming to some Beyonce.

Love that boyfriend of mine.

Complete sentences?

2. Related to teaching.

Before I go any further, I should update the (minute amount of)readers of this blog. I am currently torn between a few speciality masters degrees (literacy, science, counseling) and depending on where life takes me, I most likely will get a masters in a degree in one of these so that I can barge a few more doors than just a teaching degree would allow me to. But: When I first made this decision, it was partly out of fear of graduating and being stuck and blah blah blah. But now, I really do want the chance to do something else in addition to teaching. It's just how I roll. Aight? So there, that is my little update. I want another degree and in something else tangentially related to education. Fascinating stuff, I know.

Despite that, I am now going to revel in the beauty and majesty that is JUST classroom teaching. You have been warned.

It has been such an interesting month. I have been back and forth between so many ideas for the future that I can't even remember what I should be doing right now... preparing to graduate!

I keep sitting in High Springs during my days and wondering if I made the right choice. I guess the problem is that teaching is not easy. Sounds like an unsurprising thing, doesn't it? It's just not. There are a lot of politics, a lot of troubled kids, and a lot of complaints.

Sometimes, however, it helps to remember that I can only be one place at one time doing one thing. Being present for the kids is probably the most important thing for a teacher. The times I have felt most at peace and the most effective in Mrs. R's class were the times when I was 100 percent engaged with the children and whatever task we were doing. Unsurprisingly, those were the times when they seemed happiest to be there too. No matter whether or not I decide to change careers or go get a masters or whatever crazy thing I look into next, the fact still remains: every day, month, and year you spend as a teacher is one entire day, month, and year in a child's life. Just because I am only an intern now, does not make this second grade class any less real. This is the only time that TD will be in second grade and desperate to discuss his cats. This is the only time that KO will be eight years old, irritating the living daylights out of everyone around her and acting like she is impervious to reprimand. This is the only time that they will get to go over the second grade curriculum and learn how to right a 'friendly letter' and all about force and motion for the very first time. Just because I view this as my 'practice run' and because Mrs. R views this as a 'below average' group and because Lindsey is also 'practicing for the future' (and doing such a good job that it is mind blowing!) does not mean we effect these children any less.

And thats how every year of teaching is. Just because you may teach for 20 years and feel like you are stuck living the same day over and over again, does not mean that the kids are. Mrs. R aptly said that teaching is like putting on a performance every single day. No matter what is happening on the inside, you can't do anything but smile on the outside... because they will notice when you don't. Maybe they won't notice the first time or even the tenth time... but when you lose your smile for teaching completely, it won't matter if it is your hundredth group of second graders... for them, it will be the first time and because of you they wont be smiling either.

This may sound dramatic. Because it is. Matters dealing with children usually are dramatic. This was part of the problem that I had with second graders in the beginning, and even a bit now at the end of my experience: Everything that happens is the biggest deal of all. A broken pencil can ruin you, even if just for a moment. A comment from your 'best friend' will make you sob for the entirety of lunch and recess. Tattling on peers feels like a civic duty, not an inconvenience that you bestow upon the teacher. It all matters so much to them, even if we think it is petty.

Thank God that second graders forget much of the little things that bother them. Within minutes, friends will reunite after harsh battles and pencils will be sharpened (and further abused) and you will forget what it was you were going to tattle about. When it comes to things between friends, young children are resilient and have an extremely fast emotional turn over rate. Fighting, and reuniting, is commonplace.

And yet for some reason, the things that teachers stick with children for far longer. I cannot remember a single social event from second grade (perhaps because I didn't have any friends) but I can remember Mrs. Noark writing me a hand-written letter on pink stationary in honor of the last day of school. She wrote all about our year together and what she loved about me. Maybe my personal obsession with school and my inability to make friends with kids my own age was what inspired me to keep it. Maybe I thought that teachers were the only ones who understood me, and therefore that I should hold on to anything they gave me, tangible or otherwise. And Maybe, no... probably, I was just way more sentimental than I should have been.

Or maybe being a teacher really can matter. To one person, at least.

An Article

2010-03-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

Josh showed me this article and it felt really appropriate in light of everything I have been thinking and talking about at high springs, in class, and with josh late into the night. merit pay for teachers is on the horizon for florida. many questions are floating around in the air: what will happen? who will brave or embrace the change? and why is my font refusing to de-capitalize?

EDUCATION

An Unlikely Gambler

By firing bad teachers and paying good ones six-figure salaries, Michelle Rhee just might save D.C.'s schools.

By Evan Thomas, Eve Conant and Pat Wingert | NEWSWEEK

Published Aug 23, 2008

From the magazine issue dated Sep 1, 2008

Not long after Michelle Rhee took over as head of the Washington, D.C., public schools a year ago, she announced a plan to shut down almost two dozen schools in D.C.'s decrepit, shrinking, public-education system. At a meeting at one school, parents began screaming at Rhee and throwing things. As it happened, Rhee's own parents were in Washington, visiting from Denver, and they saw the confrontation on TV. "So I come home at 11 o'clock at night," Rhee recalled in a recent interview with NEWSWEEK. "I am making myself a peanut-butter sandwich. My mother is, like, 'Are you OK?' I said, 'Yeah, I'm fine.' She said, 'You know, when you were young, you never used to care what people thought about you, and I always thought that you were going to be antisocial, but now I see this serving you well.' I was, like, 'Yeah'."

Rhee says she doesn't mind getting yelled at. "I don't take things personally," she says. Indeed, she seems unflappable, a slender, pretty young woman with a straightforward, though not humorless, manner. A tireless single mother of two young girls, she taps away at two BlackBerrys (one for her close friends and staff, the other for the city and the public at large) from early morning until after midnight, answering every e-mail personally. Her candor can be disarming, though risky in her position. "She is without guile," says her mentor, Joel Klein, the head of the New York City public schools, who adds, a little wistfully, "so rare in public life."

That is not to say that Rhee is relaxed. She says she wakes up every morning with a "knot in my stomach," and that she is "angry," though "angry in a good way." She is angry at a system of education that puts "the interests of adults" over the "interests of children," i.e., a system that values job protection for teachers over their effectiveness in the classroom. Rhee is trying to change that system. In a way that few realistic observers thought was possible, she has a chance to succeed, not just in Washington, but also around the country. She is entering into a struggle with the local teachers union that will test whether an urban school district can weed out its weak teachers—a profound threat to politically powerful teachers unions nationwide. "If she can pull it off, it's big," says Klein, who has battled, with mixed success, to tame the teachers union in New York City. Rhee's own story is a flicker, potentially a flame, of hope in the relentlessly depressing story of inner-city education.

For many years, high-achieving students chose not to be teachers (the average SAT of would-be elementary-school teachers taking a popular licensing exam is significantly below the national average for all college grads). The daughter of a doctor, Rhee, who was raised in Toledo, Ohio, describes herself as "a relatively high-achieving kid all through high school and college. So nobody tells you to go into education," she says, in her matter-of-fact way, not trying to be ironic. "You know, people are telling you to go be a doctor or a lawyer or a stockbroker. They are not telling you to be a teacher." Not sure what she wanted to do with her life as she graduated from Cornell in 1992, Rhee joined Teach For America, a then brand-new organization, created by a Princeton student, to get Ivy Leaguers to work in poor inner-city schools for a couple of years. The experience, she says, "has shaped every single day of my life since then."

Rhee was placed in one of the lowest-performing schools in Baltimore as a second-grade teacher. "It was a total culture shock for me," she recalls. While she was talking to her students as they lined up for lunch, one of the students fell down on the floor. "Each kid, as they were walking by, kicked the kid that was down," Rhee says. "I was, like, 'What are they doing?' But it was like second nature to them. The kid is down. Kick him."

Rhee was unable to stop the kids, or control them in the classroom for most of her first year. At Christmas, she went home scratching at huge welts on her arm. A doctor diagnosed stress. Her mother said, "You can apply for law school second semester." Her father, a strong believer in the work ethic and rooting for the underdog, said, "Suck it up and get back in there."

Rhee "sort of became obsessed," she says. "I was not going to let 8-year-olds run me out of town." Over the next two years, working with another teacher, she took a group of 70 kids who had been scoring "at almost rock bottom on standardized tests" to "absolutely at the top," she says. (Baltimore does not keep records by classroom, so NEWSWEEK was unable to confirm this assertion.) The key to success was, in her word, "sweat," on the part of the teacher and the students. "I wouldn't say I was a great teacher. I've seen great. I worked hard," says Rhee.

She had an epiphany of sorts. In the demoralized world of inner-city schools, it is easy to become resigned to poor results—and to blame the environment, not the schools themselves. Broken families, crime, drugs, all conspire against academic achievement. But Rhee discovered that teachers could make the critical difference. "It drives me nuts when people say that two thirds of a kid's academic achievement is based on their environment. That is B.S.," says Rhee. She points to her second graders in Baltimore whose scores rose from worst to best. "Those kids, where they lived didn't change. Their parents didn't change. Their diets didn't change. The violence in the community didn't change. The only thing that changed for those 70 kids was the adults who were in front of them every single day teaching them."

Rhee (with parental consent) made the kids go to school on Saturdays and gave them two hours of homework a night, so they would "not watch TV or sit on the stoop or play Nintendo." She slowly won the respect of parents. "My first year of teaching, they were, like, 'We do not want the crazy Korean lady,' and by the time I left, they were, 'Where are you going? You can't leave'."

Rhee stayed in education, starting an organization, The New Teacher Project, devoted to recruiting better teachers for hard-to-staff inner-city schools. She caught the attention of Joel Klein, who was trying to reform the New York City school system under Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Klein, in late 2006, recommended Rhee to Adrian Fenty, the newly elected mayor of Washington, D.C., who staked his reputation on fixing D.C.'s chronically poor schools.

At first Rhee said she was not interested. "It's not a job you would want," she says. "You have your hands tied. You have to deal with school boards. It's all about politics. You can't get anything done. It's an impossible job." But Fenty managed to convince Rhee that he was serious. Skeptical (she says she was "not wowed" by the mayor at first), she asked him, "What would you be willing to risk at the chance of being able to transform the schools?" According to Rhee, he "didn't hesitate. He said, 'Everything'." Rhee warned him that she was not politically correct and was sure to cause him political pain. (Last week Fenty told NEWSWEEK, "I don't want to look back on our time and say we were careful, we did the politically correct thing.") Fenty has kept his word to Rhee. His first act was to take away power from the D.C. school board, which had been for many years an obstacle to real reform. He showed a willingness to open up the city's checkbook. At one meeting not long ago, he asked Rhee how much more money she might need. "It would be about $40 million," she answered. (The D.C. school's annual budget is just under $800 million.) The stunned city administrator, Dan Tangherlini, spluttered, "We don't have an extra $40 million." Fenty ordered the administrator to start figuring out a way to get the money, even if it meant citywide reductions in force. (Fenty and Rhee communicate several times a day by e-mail and cell phone.)

Even measured by the low standard of inner-city schools, Washington's have long been among the worst. The math and reading skills of its students lag two or three years behind national norms, despite per-student expenditures greater than in any major city outside of New York. The school bureaucracy had a reputation for bloat and incompetence, and an almost Stalinist resistance to reform. (When she arrived, no one could tell her how many textbooks the schools owned.) The former president of the teachers union, Barbara Bullock, is now serving a six-and-a-half-year prison sentence for embezzling $4.6 million. She admitted using union funds to buy 13 furs, 37 designer handbags and a 288-piece antique Tiffany silver set (she told the judge she is now mentoring young inmates, who call her "Grandma").

Rhee is the seventh person to run the D.C. schools in the past 10 years. Most of her predecessors were, according to Rhee, "smart and worked hard and wanted to do the right thing for kids," but "they didn't get a whole lot done." The reason, she says, is that they "caved in" to the city's educational establishment, whose talk of reform was just that.

Rhee showed she was serious by firing more than a hundred non-union central office workers, including administrators, and 36 principals (one out of four). She even fired the principal of the school where she chose to enroll her own daughters, Starr, 9, and Olivia, 6. "I can't talk about the details, but let's just say I was in that school three days a week. I know what was going on there." The "sad thing," she said, "was when a parent e-mailed me to say that she [Marta Guzman, the fired principal] couldn't possibly have been one of the worst principals in the system. My answer was, is that our standard? Have our expectations been so lowered?" One co-chairman of the school's PTA, Eduardo Barada, accused Rhee of racism for ousting a Hispanic principal. (Guzman told NEWSWEEK that she did not know why she had been fired, a characterization Rhee disputes.) But the other PTA co-chair, Claire Taylor, told NEWSWEEK, "Rhee's making decisions that should have been made years ago, and she's accountable for those decisions. And that is what is so disarming to parents who have been traumatized by this school system." Taylor was impressed by Rhee's cool at raucous parents' meetings. "She clearly is a brave person. I have been in rooms where parents are hysterically upset and she walks in so quietly respectful, telegraphing accountability, and says, 'I'm gonna do something you may not like, but it's for the good of the children, and I'm doing it, it's all me'."

Other parents call her a "dictator" and predict she will flee or be driven into exile. "She gives you this stare as if she's looking right through you. 'I'm listening but I'm not hearing you'," says Clarence Cherry, another local PTA head. "Rhee and her people are not from D.C. They don't understand us. They are here for the money. She'll be here two years, tops." As a Korean-American, Rhee was regarded with suspicion by some in D.C., where 85 percent of public-school students are black, and where racial identity can still matter. But her directness and purposefulness have won over some early critics, like Ray Behbehani, a parent who was initially angered by Guzman's dismissal. "She may not be the warmest person, or maybe it's just me, I don't read Asian faces and people well, but she's got it totally together," he told NEWSWEEK.

Rhee's toughest fight, by far, is coming up. She has proposed a new contract for the union that would undermine tenure, the teachers union holy of holies. The carrot is money. By tapping Mayor Fenty and private philanthropists, she is hoping to make D.C. teachers the best-paid in the country. Current teachers would actually have a choice. If they are willing to go on "probation" for a year—giving up their job security—and can successfully prove their talent, they can earn more than $100,000 a year and as much as $130,000, a huge salary for a teacher, after five years. If not, they still get a generous 28 percent raise over five years and keep their tenure. (All new teachers must sign up for the first option and go on probation for four years.) Rhee predicts that about half the teachers will choose to take their chances on accountability for higher pay, and that within five years the rest will follow, giving up tenure for the shot at merit pay hikes.

She may be overly optimistic about getting the union to accept her terms. The union president, George Parker, has been willing to work with Rhee, but he has taken heat from some union members who accuse him of cozying up to the school chief. Privately, Rhee and Parker have had some shouting matches. Rhee said she would refuse to sign a contract that had provisions that are "bad for kids," and Parker is balking at the probationary period for teachers. (Some of his experienced teachers say they are "insulted" by the probation requirement, but Rhee told NEWSWEEK that probation is "non-negotiable" because it goes to the heart of the matter, the ability to remove teachers who are not performing well.) In one meeting, according to Rhee's own account, she said to Parker: "Either we do this with you or we do this to you." And then she challenged him by saying, "You don't have what it takes to pull this off."

Parker is caught in the middle. At the end of a week of meeting with suspicious and hostile teachers groups in early August, he appeared tired and beaten-down. (Rhee, who had sat in on many of the same meetings, seemed cool and relaxed.) The union's vice president, Nathan Saunders, has sued Parker to open up the negotiations to a wider group of union officials. "George was negotiating as if this was a private contract, one on one," says Saunders. "My reaction was, oh, hell no! The best unions have large negotiating teams. We had two folks dating." Saunders is whipping up opposition in the union. "I consider this proposal to be an IQ test as to whether teachers are willing to slit their own throats," says Saunders. A black inner-city kid who made a fortune on real estate, Saunders is a smart dresser who sports bow ties and talks a lot about "due process." Indeed, a critical and so far unresolved question is how teachers will be judged. Rhee will insist on hard data—test scores—showing effectiveness in the classroom, but union members warn about arbitrary firings.

The union can play hard. When Rhee moved to reclassify some central-administration workers so they could be terminated without cause, the union began running 60-second radio ads attacking Rhee, playing "Back Stabbers" by the O'Jays as background music. But Rhee has some sticks to wave as well as carrots. Although she will not go into detail, it is a good bet that she will find other legal tools to hold teachers accountable even if the teachers refuse to sign a contract. "I believe this contract is going to pass," she told NEWSWEEK. "And I believe it is going to have a huge impact." But, she added, "even if it didn't, it would not stop me."

The fact is that D.C.'s school system is shrinking. About a third of D.C. parents now opt to send their kids to charter schools, which are public schools—but where the teachers are non-union. The union has lost more than a thousand of its more than 5,000 teaching slots during the past decade. Rhee, it appears to many, is not interested in protecting turf. If she can open more charter schools that are better than the regular city schools, she seems willing to let the old system wither away. At first charter schools were often no better or even worse than schools in the system, but lately some—particularly the KIPP schools—have been scoring higher on tests. If the union doesn't accept reform, it may not have many jobs left to protect.

Rhee doesn't quite come out and say it, but she and her fellow reformers are trying to change the teaching profession, at least in the inner city, from an 8 a.m.-to-3 p.m. job with summers off, to something that bears more resemblance to joining the Green Berets. Rhee succeeded in Baltimore because she worked like a demon. The KIPP schools score well because teachers work from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., and on Saturday, and carry cell phones so their students can reach them any time. Summer vacation lasts only about a month. There are teachers who can maintain this pace for decades (just as there are some older Special Forces operatives in the military), but in Rhee's world many teachers may find themselves working hard, burning out and moving on. "There are some absolutely fabulous teachers who have taught in very tough settings for 20 years and have consistently produced stunning growth, and have somehow found the stamina to do it, while some energetic 24-year-olds aren't up to it," says Kati Haycock, president of Education Trust, a longtime reform expert (and former D.C. school parent). "But what we need to do is change the idea that education is the only career that needs to be done for life. There are a lot of smart people who change careers every six or seven years, while education ends up with a bunch of people on the low end of the pile who don't want to compete in the job market."

Naturally, this sentiment seems patronizing, if not downright threatening, to many career teachers with a union card. They resent the young Ivy Leaguers who come in from Teach For America for a couple of years, acting superior, and then go off to become investment bankers or lawyers. (TFA stands for "Teach for Awhile," they joke.)

It is hard to know how Rhee sustains her own pace. Three days a week she picks up her kids at 5:30 (they are in after-school programs) and stays with them until bedtime—then it's back to work until 1 or 2 a.m. When their father, a TFA executive named Kevin Huffman, has the kids, she basically works 18-hour days. Having a mom as school chancellor is "hard on the kids," she says. She recalls that when she refused to cancel school on a not-very-snowy day, her older daughter, Starr, came home complaining, "Other kids are saying that by not canceling school because of the snow that you are putting all of our lives in danger." Rhee explained that some poor kids don't eat unless they can get a school meal. A couple of weeks later, Starr reported, "Now there's a rumor that you are going to lengthen the schoolyear and make us go to school longer." Rhee replied, "Well, you know, time on task is very important." Starr, who apparently takes after her mother, answered, "I backed you on the snow thing. I am not backing you on more school, though."

Rhee's bluntness and unwillingness to compromise are admirable, but they may also be her undoing. Rhee has Mayor Fenty's complete support, but she has irked some city council members, in one case because her aides supposedly blocked a council member from going onstage with her at a summer-school graduation. Rhee does not seem interested in the rituals of political nicety, and, while she says she's a Democrat, she can be very scornful of her own party. "It's embarrassing to be a Democrat when you hear Democrats talk about education," she says. "The Democratic Party is supposed to be the party that looks out for poor black kids, yet the kind of rhetoric they spew about … [how the Bush administration's No Child Left Behind law is] 'sucking the life out of our teachers'—come on. Get real. I believe that until the Democratic Party breaks ties with the teachers unions, we are not going to see the true reform in this country that we need."

As she spoke, late in the day (but only in the middle of her workday), she was becoming uncharacteristically wound up. "We do not have a nation right now where every child has an equal chance in life, because poor black kids don't have an equal shot in life, because they go to crappy schools, and the Democratic Party is not tackling this issue, which I think is one of the biggest problems that exist."

The interview was drawing to an end. A NEWSWEEK reporter asked her if she still got welts from stress. "Uh, yeah," she said, seeming slightly knocked off-balance for the first and only time. The moment passed; she excused herself to go back to work.

Hopeful. Spring.

2010-03-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

Great News! My brother is back from Italy, safe, and about to talk to his boss (who I have babysat for for a few years now) about getting me a job at his restaurant. Pray/cross fingers/donate to charities in my name/sing a song that this may come true because I would love to have a lucrative job when I get home. If not his restaurant, I will be applying to every single restaurant in town. And then some. So here's hoping.

I can really feel spring upon us. I have a pink cardigan that I plan to rock tomorrow. I'm pretty excited about this. I received my USC schedule, and I am extremely excited about starting that.. but I need a tiny break before I start ! Luckily I get about three weeks. In that time, I need to buy a Flip Camera and a Headset. Tech savvy? We'll see.

As my time with Mrs. R comes to a close, I feel compelled to document the things I have learned. I now see how easy it is to become comfortable in a classroom with your ways and methods. It's important to feel comfortable and develop routines, and I think that once I have my own classroom I will feel even more comfortable. I hope that I can always keep things fresh and current. I hope that I never stop loving children. I hope that I can always do the things I want do, even though I wont have two colleagues in the room to help me.

I am losing my train of thought... American Idol is on. :) More later.

The one with the illness

2010-03-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

I threw up five times this morning. Hoorah!

Orientation

2010-03-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. Nay, a great day. St. Patrick's day proved to be a very profitable holiday. That is, if you are into green-colored food prepared by the generous parents of second graders. We sent home a note that encouraged parents to send in finger foods, if they could. We received a feast, including but not limited to: pickles, broccoli, individually bagged pieces of honey dew melon, brownie cup cakes, cupcakes sans brownies, cookies, whole apples?, and the list goes on.

It was a good time for all parties involved. The kids were wacko, but that'll happen.

Anyway, I am doing my USC orientation right now. I spent three hours napping, four hours cleaning and watching the office and wasting time, and now I am not ready for bed. Why do I feel the compulsion to online shop? JUST SAY NO. I am having to re-learn how to handle money. God is granting me a favor with my tax return... it'll be enough to pay off my credit card debt (I specify credit card debt, because that is just one sector of my admirable debt collection). Anyway, I just need to be a good girl if I have any hope of being financially successful in the future. Here's to... trying :)

Uncle Kracker

2010-03-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

<--- Me in front of Bev's Burger Cafe. Just one of many gems in small-town High Springs. Meg and I walked in and sat ourselves in a booth. She pointed two the next two guys who entered and aptly said "I think this booth is permanently reserved for those two guys... we've upset the balance". They did give us The Eyes. Maybe thats just because we are female.

Anyway, Bev's didn't dissapoint. Then again, it didn't excite me like I predicted it would. The burgers seemed home made... which was a good thing. The fries were average. The water was sub par. All in all, it was simply decent. The atmosphere, AKA loud southern women who sat in the booth next to us and meatloaf advertisements, made the experience worthwhile.

Anyway....

I am laying in my bed watching The Office Season 4. It is such a treat. I love watching t.v. in the dark. I wish that I could stay up all night sometimes... but it's hard when you have to get up super early!

Mrs. R was sick today so we had a sub. We will also have a sub tmr. Subs= us doing lots of work.. which is fine by me. Today the kids were out of control.. and there was An Incident with some punching. Well, not some punching. A punch in the nose from one by to another. Gotta love that! I wasn't in the room because it happened at lunch. It's for the best that I wasn't there... I don't know what I would have done. I guess it would have been a learning experience. I'm sure there are plenty of brawls in my future. I just didn't think it was going to happen with second graders...

I feel as though I am getting better at classroom management. Our field advisor said that L and I were very adept at managing behavior. This is going to sound silly, but I think that part of what makes me feel more confident is that I have been singing a lot in my car and my voice has been getting less... weary. You have to have a commanding voice to gain attention. People with weak voices get eaten alive! Though, I do have to work on differentiating between my commanding voice and my conversational voice... sometimes I end up talking to one child in the voice I should be using to talk to 20. "KAYLEE, IS THAT WHAT WE SHOULD BE WORKING ON?"

Mrs. R has such a talent for getting attention. The way I felt about her teaching in the beginning is so different than how I feel now. I used to think she was so intense. Now I understand why she is the way she is... however, I do believe that the only way to teach children how to handle freedom is to give it to them. That balance what I am still working on.

Today I tried a new thing: A rolling suitcase instead of giant, shoulder-destroying bags. I'll let you know if this proves to be a successful system.

I have been working on relaxing lately. Not so much doing less (but I am), but focusing on my body and how tense I feel. Sometimes you have to make an effort to relax! Haha. I am also cleaning out my car, and trying to do less at once. Spreading yourself too thin is never a good thing.

Today I had a little incident of my own. I went to Winn-Dixie to purchase groceries and almost had to leave them at the register because my cards were declined. Except one, which I knew had zero funds... so now I am over drafted! Hooray! I really need to learn how to manage my money. I can't wait to move back home... it'll be nice to have a break from rent.

Note to self: Start a "Finer Things" club. It looks like a good time ;)

Now that I know!

2010-03-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

Accepted, accepted, accepted! What a wonderful word. Now I can continue my education. Not that I couldn't before, but Saint Johns River Community College wasn't nearly as exciting as The University of Southern California! Basically, the picture in this featured in this posting might as well be me. Except that I wont be a cheerleader, or living on campus.

But what if I was living on campus... MMM California!

The best part about this, besides all the obvious awesome education-related things, is that I get to shop! I have to buy a camcorder (probably a flip camera, per USC's suggestion), and I get to go buy gobs of USC clothing (per my own suggestion). I don't even own any UF clothing... I guess I should do that before graduating. Maybe just one t-shirt, for good measure. I have to do something to celebrate how UF has affected me...shopping seems appropriate. In a related story, I am so excited. So here's my new plan of attack:

1. Get this masters by May 2011 (Holler!)

2. Teach until 2016- ish, so that I can pay back my loans (Hooray!)

And thats as far as I have gotten with my accomplishing-things plan.

Oh right...

2010-03-08T15:17:00.001-08:00

Oh! I actually have time to write more than half a sentence. Special, special day.

I've been noticing a trend in myself lately. Every time I sit down for more than five seconds in a comfortable position, I instantly want to fall asleep. Josh says it is because I never stop moving. I might have to agree with him on that one. The second I stop panicking and/or obsessively straightening and organizing things that don't even belong to me (sorry in advance, Jessica, but I am about a heartbeat away from giving away half of Tristan's old clothes that don't fit him. Today I nearly strangled him by trying to fit him into a 6 months-sized shirt... or is that my bad for not reading the label?).

Anyway, I have a lot of nervous energy and I don't know why. I guess its because I have been so ridiculously busy lately. It seems like ever since I started working again I have been on the brink of poverty. I have given up on the idea that I am going to save money. It is not going to happen on my 100 dollar-a-week salary. Ugh.

The amount of time I spend worrying about money is out of control. It's as if I think the cogs in my brain can create cash if they turn fast enough. I think I should just... stop. Not stop being careful, but stop...whats that word again?... panicking. Easier said than done.

I am in a weird place right now with this whole.... exercise.. thing. On the one hand, I am bitter as all get out because every time I eat an english muffin I gain a pound. On the other hand, If I don't eat enough bread I get heartburn that hurts quite, quite badly. I don't know what this has to do with exercise at all, actually. I want to... do more.. but where is the time? I am too busy being narcoleptic and falling asleep twenty seconds after I sit down. And Lord knows I can't take any time away from blogging...

On the plus side, I bought four movies today from Blockbuster for a total of twenty dollars (what was that about stressing about money?)

Logic behind my choices:

1. 17 again- obvious why I bought this. I want to do sick nasty things to Zack Efron. Step aside, 'nessa huds....

2. I Love You Man- tackles the interesting and complex subject of making friends, especially apropo for adult males who don't really know how to go about making new friends that are also male (Paul Rudd, you make it look so easy. Acting, not making friends. I think we've established that you struggle to make friends in this move.)

3. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist- I mostly bought this for the awkward scene at the end where Nick does inappropriate things to Norah in a record studio whilst the sound equipment starts creepin' on them. Don't know what I am talking about? Call me for a viewing session. Spoiler alert: Nick does inappropriate things to Norah in a record studio at the end of the movie whilst the sound equipment starts creepin'.

4. House Bunny- It's hilarious.

So today was a good day for movie selection. I can't wait to make everyone in my life watch 17 Again. I think I am really getting used to this "Spring Break" thing. It's already Monday night! I want it to still be Saturday. I want to wake up everyday and do outdoor activities in beautiful weather and eat delicious food and worry about nothing.

However, I do have a midterm glogster to tackle. Only in my college do we do "glogsters" (online scrapbook pages/posters) for midterms. Basically we still have four midterm questios to answer, but we get to do it with colored fonts and photographic backgrounds that feature long-haired girls sulking and listening to ipods. Hooray, art!

Tristan's coming towards me with his Bob the Builder ball. It's playtime.

Am I going to love twitter?

2010-03-08T15:15:00.001-08:00

I feel like I might fall for twitter.

But not as much as I am falling for Modern Family, The Office (even now, forever more), and planning trips with Josh.

Alaska! Viva Alaska!

Valuable things

2010-02-26T08:14:00.000-08:00

The most valuable thing I learned in high school was probably how to calm down.

The most valuable thing I learned in college (besides... school stuff) is how to say "so, what?".

The most valuable thing I learned at High Springs so far is how to say "that plan didn't work... onward and upward!" (and, "awwww!SO CUTE!ittydhjgRDAFEAVA")

Good life lessons!

Who are you? Who Who?

2010-02-24T13:07:00.001-08:00

I quote the lyrics of a song by The Who in my title because, well, its an awesome song. The Who also happens to remind me of my childhood and riding back and forth in the car as a family to St. Augustine before we moved there. The Who was one of the only CD's my father could tolerate, along with Boston and Sade.

I read something the other day that got me thinking and sparked the little intro above... it was about things that define us and not losing our sense of self. I also read about how people do little things to remind themselves of.. themselves, so that when traumatic events happen in their lives they have a strong sense of self to fall back on. It makes me think of how after a bad breakup you begin trying to figure out how to separate yourself from the other person, unraveling the tightly weaved identity that your relationship offered you.

One fun way to do it is the ABC.. method. It's fairy easy to understand, but it also takes forever so I will only do 2 letters as an example and get back to it after I finish writing an essay.

A- Art. I wish I had as much time to dedicate to this as some of my friends do. I love to make things and I really felt like I had an artistic side back in high school. Thinking of painting and crocheting makes me think of high school and ceramics and photography... all wonderful memories that remind me of how I was when I was younger. I was never the most talented artist; when my mother taught my brother and I to crochet he was way better than I was! I was not a gifted ceramicist. I've made a few good paintings and scrapbooks in my day... so at least there is that.

B- Barbara. I chose my name because I had such issues with accepting it, and myself, as a child. I still do have the issues with my personality, but my name is okay with me now :) When I was young, as young as 5, I would beg my mother for a new name. I asked for my whole name to be "Brianna Bassing" spelled just like that. The funny thing about that name is that it was kind of similar to my own- Barbara/Brianna. However, I wanted to be anything else. I don't think it was because I disliked myself. It was more... I wanted to get lost in another identity. I loved to read and I adored characters. I wanted to be a new character every day. I decided on the nickname "Winnie" when I moved to st. augustine in third grade (now there's a story... that first day of third grade) because I wanted to be like Winnie from The Wonder Years. I finally took my own name back in 8th grade, and I don't regret that. It's exhausting trying to be someone else :)

C-.. to be Continued. haha

Anything you can do, I can do better.

2010-02-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

Sitting on the leather couch next to my wonderful and fascinating boyfriend always lifts my spirits.

I feel as though I am coming down with something... I hope that is not the case, because I have a lot I want to do with my class this week, and we have the smart board!! I wish I knew more about it, or at least as much as I pretend to know. Fake it til you make it?

Last night was my friend from high school's 21 birthday party. I made a fool out of myself, and thats pretty much the beginning and end of it. She had a nice fire a-goin... so that was fun.

Josh was sweet enough to accompany me, and my friends are pretty much obsessed with him (in a healthy way).

I wish there were more hours in the day so that I could be amazing at every hobby that I love.

Writing, painting, crocheting, playing sports, designing dream houses... these are all on my list.

Alas, the real world does not permit such time. Unless of course you eradicate facebook from the planet... then I'd have plenty of time in my day.

Ugh... illness is overcoming me. Thats what I get!

Remiss

2010-02-17T14:24:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing on this site nearly as much as I want to. I wanted to give you a nitty-gritty, intensive look into the free labor I am doing four days a week for a group of 18 little angels. Alas, I have been far too busy reading Confessions of a Shopaholic and being a Shopaholic to get around to talking about T.D.'s tantrums or A.C.'s adorably misshapen bowl cut/mullet hybrid hairdo. Your loss.

But seriously, second grade is nothing like I anticipated. When we walked in on the first day and were met my a sea of little arms thrusting scissors towards us (cut out my snowman's head, Ms. Newteacher!) I thought it was going to be semester full of needy children doing busy work.

As it turns out, all children are needy, all children do busy work and school, and I don't care in the slightest. In fact, I thrive on the ability to help children cut things out and accomplish whatever it is they want to accomplish.

The key word here, though, is want.

Children rarely want to do anything academic. I wonder at least 5 times a day what it would be like if kids could learn about what they were interested in. What would be the dire consequences if they spent an hour a day doing unstructured work? Who would suffer if they didn't do writing from 12:05-12:50? Could we maybe push writing to the morning and COMBINE it with reading, or social studies, or science? Could we? or better yet... should we?

It's hard to say what a classroom would be like if you changed it, without actually experimenting with the change. The problem is, no one wants to risk giving second grade students who still need to learn the fundamentals of reading free time to study Bach and his Preludes (cause Lord knows that's what they'd chose to explore). I fear that the primary grades need this structure, so that they can learn how to belong to society.

But how much of what we do in school is like what we do in real life? When was the list time you filed out of Publix in a line? Does it matter where you sit when you read? Don't you read better when you are given options about where to sit?

Don't you want to write about whatever you want?

And science, don't even get me started. Let them do science. I'll leave it at that.

Sometimes when Lindsey and I are alone we say, "What would Katie or Caitie do?" Katie M. was our science methods teacher, an advocate for letting kids do things, not just read about them. She always went the extra mile to meet us where we were on our science knowledge ("I might have learned that once, but probably not"). She did this because it is the right way, but it is also how we be with our students. Caitie G. was just the nicest person in the universe with an obvious passion for her field- reading. I think of her when I want to remember how to be a nice, patient person.

So anyway, this whole thing is a tangent all to get to one point: What if we just did what we wanted as teachers? What if I led my class exactly as I thought was best? Whose gonna stop me?

Probably a lot of people.

On an unrelated note, I am loving Modern Family right now. I just watched the Valentines Day episode and it was poignant and funny, as always. That show always hits the right note. I am reading Firefly Lane, which really made me think about writing. As I try and write a book I find that it is very difficult for me to get the timing right. I want to start a story where it starts, but there is always backstory that I feel is important... I want to talk about a thirty year old guy, for example, but how can you fully appreciate him if you don't know what happened to him in the past? Do we start from age 0 with every character? Of course not. Yet sometimes I want to.

I guess thats just me being a bad writer that I cant find a way to subtly instill the significance of what is happening in my characters lives without backing up and saying "no seriously, this is a big deal because he didn't chew with his mouth closed for his WHOLE LIFE and now, suddenly, he is! Applaud him!"

In Firefly Lane, they started from the beginning of two girls lives and it seems like they are going to move through generations. I'm not even a quarter of a way done and they are out of college. It's like A Land Remembered, without the bodily impalements. And I don't think I like this style all that much, at least in terms of trying to emulate it. Not enough in-the-moment "Bella leans in towards Edwards rock-like neck and plants a kiss, only to ignite his bloodlust" excitement. I need that excitement in my writing!

Graduation is looming ever closer. We went to a meeting today about grad school, and I sat in my chair and thought about what I would do if USC actually accepts me into their online Masters program. On the one hand, its expensive as all get out. On the other, so is life. By saying yes I basically go against everything I have been saying and feeling for the past year- that I want to get a Masters in something other than teaching. However, they certify you. I am all about getting certified so I can get a real job. I am drawn to the immediacy of the whole thing... I start right after this semester ends and finish in a year. No real delay. I am learning that down time causes me anxiety, so this option is kind of good for that reasons.

I should knew in a few days. It will be a moot point if I don't get in.

What a timeless question.. to be a Trojan, or not to be a Trojan?

Nice Mascot, USC.

Stop this blog while before your reader slips into a stupor, Barb.

Classroom dossier, my thoughts and feelings, tricks of the trade, future plans...

2010-02-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

As I sit here at Josh's watching NCIS I thought it might be appropriate to include a picture of Tristan. His first time on the slide was hilarious! He went down with me the first time and then we helped him down the rest of the time. Josh lives in this awesome neighborhood that is full of trees yet still directly across the street from the beach. It has a park, an awesome pool, hot tub, tennis courts, and a private entrance to a gazebo that leads to the beach. Basically its a little slice of heaven... I'm sure I'll miss the neighborhood when they sell the house.

Anywho... where was I with my second grade classroom?

VB- The russian born girl with the speech impediment... she gets more and more interesting every day. She is so smart when it comes to science and LOVES to raise her hand. She also bullies EL... I think I mentioned that in the last one.

CK- CK is the model future-engineer. He is quiet, well behaved, and intelligent. His mother is super involved, which to me is indicative of a pleasant home life. This is probably why he's so gosh darn cute and well behaved. He is rather quiet.

M... Oh gosh what is M's last name? M is a little sarcastic boy who reminds me of every one of my male friends from high school. He rolls his eyes when he is angry and makes hilarious comments when he is not. He will definitely be the comic relief of his friends group someday. Unfortunately, he has a bad attitude when he doesn't get what he wants.

AC- AC is my little favorite (of course teachers have favorites). He is wide eyed, round faced, and absolutely loveable. He is an oddly slow reader for such a smart child. He always goes to the bathroom at inappropriate times. Love him. Am I repeating myself from the last update?

AF- AF is little, sassy, and fantastic. Thats all I have to say about that. Yep, I am definitely repeating myself.

ME- I think I am forgetting last names. I don't know whats up with me tonight. The point is ME is Texas loud and Texas proud. She is one of the smartest second graders I have ever seen. She asked to go home and make a poster about stuff she found on the internet about native americans. Gotta love that!

KO- KO is a pain in the rear, but she is clever for sure. Mrs. R taught her father when he was in the second grade and says he knew how to irritate people as well. Must run in the family. Yet, I like her.

TW- TW is behind in most subjects and is labeled by the teacher as "emotionally manipulative at times". She has a rough home life and could definitely use some help. She is a sweet heart. We were drawing pictures of what job we wanted to do when we got older, and she copied my picture down to the last stripe on my dress.

RM- RM gives many, many hugs. She has divorced parents. Something about her just screams "needy". But really, she's not that bad. I still don't know what to make of her.

DD- DD is your average camo wearing second grader. Gifted in science. Enough said.

EL- EL is the girl that I will be UFLI-training. I don't even know if thats how "UFLI" can be used grammatically, but then again what in my blog is grammatically correct? Nothing. She is extremely long winded and takes 5 sentences to make 1 statement. Gotta love that.

AP- AP is always well dressed and quiet. Again, whats not to love.

So they got briefer and briefer as I went down the list but what can you do. I am, ONCE AGAIN, exhausted from a long day of work. I bought "Truffle" colored Grey's Anatomy scrubs. They were soft and I enjoyed wearing them all day. The store was busy.

Last night I bought a bunch of books from half.com. Some of them are from a list that Dr. Zeig gave us that I wanted for my own, one was a Max Lucado book I stumbled across at work (belonging to my boss Serena) and one was Matilda. Love Matilda.

Characters in my new novel: Becky, Claire, and Jenna. I am growing very attached to these three characters as they develop in my mind (and not in writing, as they should be :/). One of them is basically me, so I guess that makes me vein.

I can't wait to start painting again. I was looking at some old pictures from two summers ago in North Carolina and it reminded me of the place I was in when I took them. It was a place where painting felt so right. What is it about NC that makes me feel so happy? What is it about religious books that makes me feel so happy? It is what it is I suppose :)

Teacher tricks:

1. No "guys", always "boys and girls".

2. Popsicle sticks in a cup with kids names on them to control hand raising and blurting out

3. Stations... there can be stations for everything

4. Science Journals

5. Having children give presentations

6. Giving children jobs to do

Once again, a disappointing and scattered blog post. Oh well! What can you do.

Everything is Love

2010-02-05T21:11:00.000-08:00

Things I will write about in my NEXT post when I am less exhausted

-The rest of the second grader dossiers

-Chocolate colored scrubs

-The book I am writing

-How I worship Ms. Honey and Matilda

-How I just spent money on half.com and made a wishlist for childrens books.

-How I miss North Carolina

-How I want to start painting again.

Tips

2010-01-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

On the first day of this pre-internship experience I distinctly remember facebook status-ing about the panic I felt over teaching second grade. They're so needy. I wont get to do anything because they are too young. I'll run out of energy If I have to teach these little guys forever.

Luckily for me, panicing is not always an indication of my actual fears. Here is what was really going on. They are so little. I feel out of control. I have to be here so early, what if I am late? What if I cant do it or realize halfway through that I don't even want to be a teacher anymore? ITS TOO LATE TO GET OUT!

Well, here we are, one month into it. The past weeks have been tumultuous and emotional, but there was a definite pattern that I observed. I'd wake up and head to High Springs, and during those 4 hours of teaching, I felt absolutely wonderful, controlled, and at peace. I'd go home and start to settle, and feel decent. Then I'd go to bed and feel overwhelmed to the point that I couldn't sleep. Apparently my life and my choices were the problem, not second grade! I didn't know what I wanted to do about grad school. My future was a big fat hand waiting to slap me in the face if I didn't make the right choice, so I thought.

And magically, it all began to fall into place. Well, much better than before. But mostly what is different is me. Sometimes you just have to learn to say So What If I Do (SWIID). So what if I do go to another place for grad school- (It's going to be fabulous, thats what). So what if I do drop my grad class- (It's worthless at this point). So what if I do exactly what I want for a while. SWIID baby. SWIID. Wow, "SWIID" sounds kind of foul as an acronym.

Anyway, onward and upward. Here is a breakdown of the kiddies in my class, by initials so that no identities are revealed (who knows what would happen if a parent googled their child's name and stumbled across this blog. I do- probably nothing. Nevertheless...)

TD- TD likes cats. He has 3 of his own and 6 strays. He melts down on the regular because he is bored in school and hates to learn. He is smart enough to do the work but his attitude is quite a challenge. He sasses us regularly. He told my co-teaching partner the other day "No offense Ms. Jameson, but I don't like any of your ideas. You guys say they are going to be fun, but they never are." However, we did share a special moment the other day when he asked me to come to his birthday party, and whether or not I would be able to identify his cats. I can remember some of the names. Mittens, Boots, Socks, Shirt, Mr. Meowie, and Bing, to name a few. Or to name most of them, actually.

KB- KB is a super star. She wears cowboy boots, has perfect blond hair, likes to fish and hunt, and sits next to TD because she is not phased by his meltdowns. She is one of the best students in the class and she- gasp- likes to learn.

JD- JD is a cute little boy who wears skate shoes. He always has this incredulous look on his face. We will refer to him forever more as JD the incredulous.

VB- VB was born in russia and lives now with adoptive parents. She knows a lot about science, probably because her dad is a lepidopterist and takes her to the lab every day after school. She has a lisp, she talks all the time, and has a weird frenemy in another student, which I will explain later. I'm sure you are just on the edge of your seat to know, but fret not. Good things happen to those who are patient.

AF- Please allow me to quote Mrs. Ross in describing AF:

"I know ya'll think AF is cute, and Lord knows I do. But she has been involved in a little mean-girl activity as of late, bullying the other girls. It's a source of contention in the classroom". AF IS LIKE 35 POUNDS. The class's resident "Mean Girl" weighs less than a sack of potatoes. Be afraid, second grade. Be afraid.

AC- Anyone who says teachers don't have favorites is a liar. AC is this adorable little boy with a round face and the widest eyes I have ever seen. He is extremely smart, but reads very VERY slowly. He goes to the bathroom all the time, and at the most hilarious moments. He volunteered to come up and do an activity in front of the class, and right as I was giving him directions he raises his hand and whisper-asks if he can use the restroom. Then he scurries away. It's adorable. We suspect giftedness, and not just because he's eccentric.

The Office is for Loving.

2010-01-17T17:56:00.000-08:00

What I am doing: Watching The Office Season Five and organizing my 3 inch binder full of grad-class readings with post it notes. Now I know which readings are due which week, because they are color coded. And the Post-Its are recyclable.

Why I am doing it: Because The Office Season Five is awesome, and because I'd rather organize my readings than actually read them.

What I was doing: Watching The Proposal and loving on Ryan Reynolds.

What I will be doing: Wouldn't you like to know... creeper.

Ms. Delano learns/teaches about "mental notes"

2010-01-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

There is nothing more... cathartic than to share a gripe session with 10 people who are living the exact same schedule as you with the exact same complaints. All anyone ever wants is to feel like what they feel and need is felt and needed by others. That is what I just had. Me and the other girls who are at High Springs unloaded our complaints to a poor, unsuspecting reading comprehension teacher who we literally just met tonight for the first time. She listened to us complain about supplies we were told to buy but didn't need, teachers who ask us to do so much but don't have the decency to answer our questions, assignments that will actually hurt us and not help us due to the fact that they require us to put aside valuable teaching time, and the fact that no one takes our complaints seriously. This woman listened and reached out.

And thats about all I wanted. Someone to look back at us when we complain instead of sending us somewhere else.

What I feel and need right now is a 30 dollar a week gas stipend, less nit-picky assignments so that I can fully enjoy teaching second grade, and a little respect. Though college students are notoriously lazy, when teachers say "I don't want to hear your complaints" (field advisor) it makes me feel like she knows exactly what they will be and wants to do nothing to help address those concerns.

In other news, I absolutely love my life. I know thats a strange segue, but that kind of sums me up right now: a ball of anxiety with a burning fierce love for what I am doing every day. I was nervous about second grade but now I can't imagine doing anything else. AFTER 1 WEEK. You know you've made the right career choice somewhere along the way when you wish that college would get off your back so you can get back to your unpaid laboring at an elementary school.

My supervising teacher, who will from here on out be referred as "GR", is exactly what I would have wanted if I knew what to ask for. She trusts us and wants us there. She let's us have free reign but has expectations of us. It is absolutely fabulous. I will try my very best not to tell laborious stories about how much I delight in each of the students, but sometimes I know I will want to because thats how I am wired.

Here is a story that needs to be shared. I've been sharing the bejesus out of it in fact but it's because it makes me feel something new and exciting... it was my first moment where teaching came absolutely natural and I didn't copy any one else's style.

It was the moment I taught the class about mental notes.

Back story: I am intimidated by children, adults, and just about everything. Yet, I also feel empowered when I get to lead children, adults, or just about anyone. I thrive on being in charge and in control... because I get to feel in control. And to me, the only thing more delightful than being out of control is being out of control (yet somehow maintaining just enough control to enjoy it).

So I am sitting in GR's rocking chair, killing 15 minutes before lunch. I decide to reach for the nearest book and read it aloud. The students complain to me, "Mrs. Delano we already read that one its about a tree and a play and a sheet and a boy and a thing..."

"Yes yes," I said. "But I want to read it TO you so that we can pay extra close attention to the CH sound and the SH sound. I want you to look for it."

"But what should we do when we hear it?" asks Elizabeth from the front row.

"Everytime you hear a sound, I want you to make a mental note."

"Whats a mental note?" Asks about 10 children in choppy uproar.

"A mental note means you do nothing, you SAY nothing... you just think! You think real hard and remember what you heard."

"Like THIS?" Asks Abigale as she balls up her fists and clenches her face.

"Just like that!" I responded, as the kids took off in silent mental noting.

And thats around the time that this blog became story time for Ms. Delano and her exploits in elementary education. Did I mention we learned about alliteration too today?

Foods that I love that will secretly make me fat.

2009-12-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

White bread
Bagels
Crackers
Cookies (or any baked goods made with white flour or refined wheat flour)
Instant oatmeal or Cream of Wheat
Rice cakes
White pasta
White rice

Ahh, refined foods.

Note

2009-12-26T19:24:00.001-08:00

If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you've always got.

Shows I want to make my chlidren watch

2009-12-25T20:46:00.000-08:00

Boy Meets World
The Wonder Years
Flash Forward
Pete and Pete
Are You Afraid of the Dark
Wild and Crazy Kids
The Rugrats
Dora
Hey Arnold
Doug
Ren and Stimpy
Secret World of Alex Mac
Rocko's Modern Life
Fairly Odd Parents
Scooby Doo
Space Ghost, Coast to Coast
Harvey Birdman Attourney at Law

Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T19:48:00.000-08:00

I still haven't done a comprehensive blog about the trip to NYC as a whole. I keep delaying it, just like I delay everything that I really want to do because I am an idiot (write a book, work out, the list goes on).

I enjoyed NYC this year for many reasons. First, it was nothing like last year. That sounds harsh so allow me to explain. Last year the trip was riddled with strife because Austin had ten times more energy than the rest of us. It was a LOT windier and colder. We stayed in a hotel that was pretty far downtown, so a subway ride was required to do anything. It wasn't all bad of course. We played a lot of cards, got cozy in big comfy beds, and oh thats right, my boyfriend and I started dating officially.

This year's trip was very different. I attribute this difference to the fact that it was our third trip together as a group (minus Brendan). We were very comfortable and we knew exactly what to do (eat, eat, and eat all the time). This trip allowed us to just relax. Relax so much that the illnesses that our bodies had been fighting during the previous busy busy weeks caught up with us (not Josh though, luckily he stayed healthy). We took our time and we just... enjoyed everything. Soaked it up.

It's so strange when you leave a trip and it becomes a memory. I guess that is one of the reasons that people are resistant when it comes to purchasing trips as apposed to material items. Trips may be temporary, but they are fantastic and I wouldn't trade my ability to travel for most stupid material objects. Don't get me wrong, I love things- my room reflects that love of material possessions. Nothing, however, can beat experiencing and remembering a wonderful vacation.

It's also weird that the Uniform Outlet is now another memory. Things that upset you for a long time suddenly become irrelevant! I told Josh once that this logic is the reason that I cling to certain characters in books and movies so much, because no matter where I am or what I am doing Harry Potter is still Harry Potter, Twilight is still Twilight, The Office is still AMAZING, and well you get the point. This must be how some people look at religion. Comforting.

I didn't go to Christmas Eve service, which makes me sad. It's something I've done every year but our family dinner conflicted with the service that we would have gone to.

I am getting a little sad thinking about next semester because it is going to be so different. Some of the friends that I have made in the last year and a half wont be around anymore, which will be quite the adjustment considering I spent 3 hours a day or more with those people everyday (most of the time laughing my ass off). I'm already becoming nostalgic about college and it hasn't even ended yet. Nostalgia is difficult to deal with sometimes. I left Lauren's house this morning and was overcome with this sense of loss. I spent so much time arriving, occupying, and leaving her house in high school and it makes me sad to think of all of the endings that you experience in life. I guess high school is a silly one to feel nostalgic over because I have no desire to repeat it, but I still have such poignant memories of my friends from that time. Mostly time spent with cross-country and track. The smell of grass still overwhelms me and makes me instantly feel like sprinting.

Today was one of those days that reminded me of why distance from family can be completely healthy. Everyone was tense to the point of snapping. Grandma and Juno were sick. Adam and Juliet were out of their minds. Connie was in trouble. Samanatha and Vicky were there. Grandpa was in the nursing home. It was just difficult because everyone was working to make this dinner happen all day and yet no one necessarily even wanted it. Stick the word "tradition" to something and you automatically have a commitment that people resent. I know its important to do these things, uphold traditions, for grandma's sake. She wouldn't be pleased if we blew off a tradition like Christmas Eve Dinner. However, this year just felt strange and awkward. Everyone is a little bit too tired, too irritated, and too poor to really enjoy gathering one CLUTTERED household. I truly believe that if they just threw everything in that house out, the stress level of its inhabitants would decrease ten fold. Tell me i'm wrong world! Tell me I'm wrong.

Brooklyn

2009-12-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

Today I had the pleasure of seeing my grandmother's old brownstone in Brooklyn Heights. One of her favorite dinnertime rants is about that place and how much money she would have accumulated if she sold it t0day instead 50 years ago. I guess I can't blame her for dwelling on that dwelling. Brooklyn Heights is quiet and beautiful- quieter than Manhattan, at the very least. Her old brownstone appears to have been remodeled recently because it looks newer than the ones on the other side of the street. I made Josh take pictures of the place, despite the fact that we could see the tenants through the window. Like I said to them earlier, if I have to pee on their front stoop to claim back that place in the name of DeLano, so be it.
We ate breakfast at a place called Jacks. Or Jeffs. I can't remember and I choose not to try and figure it out using the wealth of resources at my disposal. I am once again bitter at the choice I made (because who could have guessed eggs, peas, refried beans and ham on the same plate would be a disappointment).
Writing things like that makes me feel spoiled. At least I get to eat breakfast, right? It's easy to forget one's fortunes.
I'm just saying, that ham could have found a better home, like the mouth of a homeless person. Is that a bad thing to say?

...Racist

2009-12-19T21:36:00.001-08:00

Today started like the rest with Austin murmuring sweet nothings to no one from his twin bed. I responded to his words, fully aware that he was asleep. Josh slept through the whole thing, blissfully unaware.

One of the things Austin spouted off in his half- asleep state was "someone else take the torch." I supposed, rightfully, that he was referring to the fact that he wanted someone else to wake up first and take the first shower. It's interesting to me that he speaks in strange cliches, even while sleeping.

Anyway, we woke up and we were running a little later than we expected to and barely made it to our NBC tour, bagels in hand. My everything bagel was especially cream-cheesy.

The NBC tour was entertaining. It was led by NBC Paiges and I made a point to ask about 30 Rock and whether or not they admired Kenneth. They don't, for the record.

My favorite part of the tour, aside from the gift shop, was a moment in the beginning of the tour when a sassy black woman interrupted the tour guide who was talking about a news room on the other side of a set of windows. She said in the rudest way imaginable, "How are we supposed to see what you are talking about." To that the tour guide replied "move closer". And to the woman Austin whispered "Fuck you". At the end of the tour (which included a view of SNL's stage- where James Franco filmed today, and the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon stage) Austin and the sassy black woman both agreed to participate in an activity, which turned out to be a faux news report. The SBW tried to do the weather but turned out to an uncoordinated epic failure, while Austin shined (literally, he was shiny on the HD TVs) as the news reporter.

The NBC tour was a good experience all in all. We bought tickets for it at the same time as the Top of the Rock tickets as a package deal, which turned out to be cheaper.

Did I mention the Top of the Rock and its incredibleness? Let me remind you.... It was Incredible.

Anyway, after we left NBC studios, we walked around 5th ave and Madison ave. We strolled through Debeers and Tiffany's, weeping a tear for each of the diamonds we will never be able to afford.

Josh had 2 coffees today, which excites me greatly. I have made a lover out of him! We both now have "our" drinks that we get at Starbucks. See world, we are trendy!

We walked through central park just as the snow began falling. We already anticipated a great amount of snow, and so far we have not been disappointed. Snow has been falling all day. It really is as fluffy and beautiful and I imagined it to be. Granted, I have seen it before, but never like this. there are already 6 inches on the ground and 6 more anticipated. Apparently there hasn't been this much snow since 2006! I was so excited to hear that a storm was coming through, though many locals did not feel the same way I am sure. It didn't even feel that cold outside... its really only the wind that gets to you.

We ate dinner at this fabulous Japanese place called Tenzan, and I drank vodka and cranberry with great enthusiasm. The food was special to my heart. Josh and Austin really loved lunch. We ate at the restaurant that we had intended to dine at the other night, when all of the Crime Scene trucks were around. Flor de Mayo was good for them, and alright for me (because I ordered wrong again, much to Josh's chagrin). He has worked very hard with Yelp this trip to ensure that we eat at the Yelpiest places in town. The yelping has been provided us with amazing food, and thus I plan to Yelp prior to our next trip. Yelp Yelp.

We saw Invictus today with Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon and it was incredible... by the way. That is all there is to say about that.

Today's crowning jewel, though, did not involve the food or NBC studios. As we left the Japanese restaurant in in pursuit of another theater to satisfy Austin's insatiable desire for overpriced oscar-worthy movies, we came across a man shoveling snow away from the sidewalk. Austin said to him in spanish, "Gracias por lo que haces" or, "Thank you for it that you do." The guy responded with something about it being his job.

Later, we were approaching two other street shovelers. Austin encouraged me to thank them too, in spanish... so I did. With great, unabashed ardor.

To this I received the following gem: "I speak English... you are racist".

To this Austin replied: "Well then, THANK you for all that you do... giggle."

And we ran. We ran all the live long night.

That's a lie... we are in our hotel room warm and itchy. Well, I'm warm and my legs are itchy. That's about it.

Bad Romance.

2009-12-18T17:38:00.001-08:00

Lady Gaga has been, unsurprisingly, the guest star on this trip so far. Allow me to explain.

Last year during our trip to NYC, we had an array of "guest stars" join us for the duration of the trip. These were the lucky souls who were quoted, imitated, or otherwise mentioned throughout the trip for the purpose of our amusement. The one guest star from NY last year that outshines the rest is probably Austin's mother; her name was mentioned quite often because she was responsible for the scarf that shed all over Brendan and Austin throughout the entire trip.

"Your mother is all over me" was the winning line as far as I'm concerned. There were others, but most too foul to repeat, involving a chalice of BS and "The _____ story." Thats about all I am at liberty to say.

In San Francisco, Beyonce was our guest star because we listened to Ego and watched that music video at least three times a day all week. And I'm (we're*) not sorry.

Anyway, this trip Lady Gaga is our guest star. I just decided that a few hours ago when Austin came out of the restroom at the top of Rockerfeller Center with the following to say:

"I was in my stall minding my own business, humming Lady Gaga Ra-ra-oh-ra-ra, when the guy in the stall next to me finished the bar. We continued to have this conversation about Lady Gaga, where he told me what song he preferred. It was strange. I couldn't perform after that".

So for now, until I am otherwise inspired, Lady Gaga is the guest star.

Yesterday was a pleasant day, though not for Austin who woke up with a sinus infection. He too proceeded to the Duane Reade pharmacy for some impromptu medical attention. Now that we are both happily on meds for our various ailments, Josh is proudly the only one left who isn't taking antibiotics. I hope he isn't next. After Austin woke up and informed us he wasn't able to move from the bed because his head hurt so badly, Josh and I decided to head over to Greenwich Village to get something to eat and explore. It was shockingly windy over there (well, not just over there I am sure but I distinctly remember the gusts of wind.) We ate at this little diner that overfed the beejesus out of us. We both ordered lunch specials and received enough food to feed the rat population of NYC. I had lasagna (in a boat-shaped vessel) and Josh had a thanksgiving dinner, AKA the roast beef platter. We left feeling tired and full.

I then tried to find a public bathroom, thinking it would be an acceptable thing for me to ask of the city of NY. I was wrong, and I waited in a line at The World Market for about 30 minutes (no joke). While Josh waited for me he claims he saw about 30 Zooey Dechenel clones, which I believe because of our proximity to NYU. After that little bit of amusement-park style waiting, we left the village and headed back to midtown for some FAO Shwartz and Disney Store action. Both were immensely satisfying. All in all, we had a good time.

We tracked down Austin later in the night. We planned to meet up at this restaurant on 83rd and Amsterdam, he coming from his clinic visit and us coming from the hotel. Alas, as we approach the restaurant that Josh chose after meticulously researching for about 20 minutes we noticed that there was a few cop cars. As we got even closer we saw the two Crime Scene Vans parked directly in front of the restaurant we had chosen. Suddenly all of the news vans that surrounded the area came into focus; we tried to figure out what was going on by tuning into the news reporters. A voice from near the Fox news van was discernible above the rest: " Investigators are trying to figure out why 3 generations of a family were wiped out in this apartment complex behind me..."

We kept walking so I didn't get to hear the end of that broadcast. We read the paper at breakfast this morning to try and get the story, which ended up being a horrifying one. The New York Post was horrifying in itself and not at all like the paper in Saint Augustine.

Breakfast, however, was delicious. We ate at the same restaurant from the other morning called "Good Enough To Eat" with all of its mock-country decorations. The music today was less country though, which made for a more pleasant meal (at least for Josh).

After breakfast we headed to this park in the Meat Packing District that was just recently created from an old train path. It's kind of hard to explain, but it is absolutely gorgeous and it was such a relief to find a serene spot in the city. I guess when I have moments like the one I had in this park I realize just how much I value peace and quiet. I love the juxtaposition of nature and city, and I felt a very small bit of that at this park. I hate to even call it a park because it isn't a lush green field or play place. It's more of A Spot. A Spot you journey to because its just that nice.

After we left The Spot, Josh tried his first coffee (hooray!) at Starbucks and we proceeded to the Top of the Rock where Lady Gaga made her debut as our honorary guest. It was absolutely breath taking (of course) and I enjoyed every second of the view. It didn't feel nearly as cold as I anticipated and Josh took a dozen awesome pictures. He has such an eye for photography. I, however, have an eye for gorgeousness which is why most of my pictures are of him and the buildings below (that was a bit of an affectionate shout-out, I apologize). Austin and I had fun dancing and posing in mostly undesirable positions. It was a really great trip to the Top of the Rock... and the sun setting was the icing on the cake.

Dinner was absolutely incredible. We ate a place called John's Pizza in midtown and hot dam it was amazing. Thin pizza=many slices to the dome.

And now I am here, uploading pictures and sitting cozily in a twin sized bed. Tomorrow night a snow storm is expected. Here's hoping (for just enough snow to satisfy my desire, but not enough to upset the flow of things)!

Wednnnnnnesday

2009-12-16T22:29:00.001-08:00

Today was a nice and well-rounded day. It started off with breakfast at a cute little diner, which was supposed to be "southern". To achieve this "southern" look, they had cows all over the walls and the word moo plastered everywhere... it was awesome. The food was amazing though. We then sub-wayed over to Time Square where I went to the Duane Reade clinic to get a quick little check up! That was nice and really convenient. After handling the medical stuff we wandered all around the area, surrounded by thousands of eager tourists doing the same.

A highlight of the day (and possibly the source of my future nightmares) was the Charmin stop-and-go bathroom facility in Time Square. Apparently Charmin donated this public restroom to the city (because it is the only public restroom in time square). It was quite the advertisement for sure. It was a surreal experience. We were greeted by dancers and obnoxious music, led up 3 flights of stairs and funneled into a room that looked like a club. There were people everywhere, most in line to use the facilities. There was a roped off section that kept the line in order, and a bathroom bouncer that directed you to the next available stall. There was a ball pit, the kind you see at McDonalds (or saw, back in the 90's when hygiene was optional), only instead of balls there were fake rolls of toilet paper. There was also a giant toilet that people sat on to be photographed by the staff. none of this was nearly as exciting as the inside of the bathroom stall, which was completely closed off like a little outhouse and held 2 flat screen t.vs and 6 different kinds of charmin. I had the privilege of listening to strangers talk about their feelings towards going to the bathroom and saw their oddly eager faces in hi-def.

Don't believe me? View the picture.

Alright, enough about that. Onto more important topics, like the block of Elmo's that we saw.

Backstory: You know how sometimes you go to a place like, I don't know, Disney and there are people in elaborate costumes? Well, we were on 5th avenue or something and as we were walking we saw an Elmo and a Cookie Monster posing with some children. Naturally we were intrigued and rushed the pair of them, knocking the children aside with no regrets. We posed with Cookie Monster and Elmo and laughed and smiled like it was Christmas (oh wait, it almost is) and then went on our merry way... until about 5 feet later when there was another Elmo, sitting on a fire hydrant. It was then we noticed that all of the Elmo's and Cookie Monsters, and the newly visible Tiger, Pooh, and a haggard Minnie Mouse, were wearing backpacks and/or holding stockings and taking donations. Suddenly what the first Elmo slurred to us as we walked away made sense "donacheihgasn" was acutally "donations please". It was simply obscured by his heavy accent. As we walked away we heard the security stationed near Rockerfeller center asked one of the Elmo's to leave.

NBC studios was amazing. There were many tee shirts that I would love to get my hands on, particularly the 30-Rock shirt with the phrase "I want to go to there". As my luck would have it, right as I decided to go to the bathroom in the downstairs area (a charmin-free zone), Mr. Big from Sex and the City walked by! Josh and Austin saw him. We also saw a few other celebrities, including Richard Kind (walking alone down Broadway), Harvey Weinstein, and Rob Marshall. The last two we saw at the Lincoln theater a few hours ago. We were there to see a showing of Up in the Air (which was really a great movie) and while we were waiting in the lobby the pair of them, accompanied by many other important people, were making their way through the lobby towards a special conference room for a Q&A session about Rob Marshall's movie Nine. The best part of the whole thing: Austin's obsession Marion Cotillard was there too, in our theater, but we didn't see her.

An unexpected turn

2009-12-15T15:39:00.000-08:00

Well, some unfortunate things have come to light. I have an annoying ailment that is preventing me from rocking out hard core in the city and I will probably have to go to a clinic tomorrow. I'll spare you the details... just know that I'm bummed!

Today we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and it was just the right thing for a sort of lazy day. We took our time. I particularly enjoyed the Egyptian section... corner... shrine, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't kidding about the shrine. There are some serious monuments in that place.

Josh and Austin have been napping for a few hours, but I couldn't sleep because of my new unfortunate love for coffee (well, fortunate in some respects). We ate at a neat little diner across the street, and we will probably head out for dinner soon.

I really like our hotel. It has a lot of character... a bathroom shared between 4 rooms and 2 twin beds. It has a flat screen t.v., so really theres no need for anything else.

Wish me luck as I once again deal with a stupid little sickness that presents itself at the WORST TIME EVER.

Airport

2009-12-15T03:23:00.000-08:00

6:30 am- JAX

Just sat down at the airport and I am staring out the window. Our plane looks small, which makes me nervous. We should be landing in Newark at around 830. I look forward to the imminent chaos of New York! It will be especially energetic around Christmastime, according to Austin. More later!

So I don't forget- Stop-motion animation

2009-12-06T17:57:00.000-08:00

To make stop-motion animation:

-Use video camera and a program to capture the images (what was the name of that program again? haha), you press the space bar repeatedly to capture image which you can see on the screen of the computer (so you don't have to look through camera)

-Upload all images at once to imovie, and put all at once into timeline.

Things for New York/ Textbooks

2009-11-05T16:46:00.001-08:00

Boots
High Socks/Tights
Head bands
New hat
Lotion
Do nails
Face moisterizer

Get Textbooks*

Paparazzi

2009-10-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am having a love affair with The Office- Wedding Episode.

I can't wait until I'm less busy and can post here more often.

I'm... so tired.

Running on fumes. But getting there.

It's Been A While

2009-09-12T21:10:00.001-07:00

That title is a nod to the song by Staind which I felt compelled to listen to. So I am. I love technology for that reason... I can do whatever I like (almost).

Anyway, I got a lot of writing done today, which was wonderful. I worked an 8 hour shift at The Hut (Uniform Outlet) and though it was a long day I couldn't help but remember how lucky I am to be employed. So many people would kill for my job- its easy, comfortable, and ... temporary. Okay, they wouldn't kill for that part. The Uniform Outlet will be closing in January, which is eerily perfect because I would have had to quit anyway because come spring I will be doing a partial internship, i.e. going to an elementary school every morning of the week. I am excited for that.

I am still torn about getting my masters degree. I fear if I don't do it now, I will never be able to. Everyone says it doesn't matter, and yet I hear that it does. I just want to work and make money and be stable for a little while. I feel like every place I have lived for the past 5 years has been temporary. I am lucky though in that respect too because its just different places in the same general area, which different but awesome people.

Tomorrow I will post an excerpt from my book. It's really coming along, and moving in a direction that I didn't anticipate. Its cliche I know, but its almost like its directing me.

Oh That I Can Update.

2009-09-06T20:20:00.001-07:00

Brand new computer! BRAND NEW UPDATE!

It will be cute and brief, like the cute briefs sitting across from me on the couch. (He doesn't read this though, so my nod to him will go unnoticed.)

Anyway, viva la macbook!

A Class About Blogging...

2009-08-25T06:16:00.000-07:00

I'm in blogging class.

Snippet

2009-08-15T21:28:00.001-07:00

Jane was taken aback by the force of her memories. They invaded her senses as she stepped further into her bedroom. Only eight months had passed since she had last seen her fiercely pink walls, and even longer since she had last wanted to. She reached out and felt her green and white comforter, then peeled it back to reveal her soft, plain sheets. She felt a stabbing pain in her chest as she rememebered the last time that she was in those sheets.
It occured to her shortly thereafter that stabbing, memory-related pains probably weren't all that good for the baby. Ignoring that logic in favor of indulging her self-destructive tendencies, she slid the comforter back even further and gingerly climbed in. Gingerly was the way that she did most things those days, always with one arm cradling her 7-month pregnant, swollen belly.
It was the first time that she had been in her bedroom in months, a bedroom that lay comfortably within a house in which she was no longer welcome. Not that she couldn't have easily forced her way back in if she so desired; sneaking out of the house as many times as Jane Quinn had in her past left her equally equipped with the knowledge of how to sneak back in. The idea that she could be kept out of her childhood house by means of a locked door and a sullen father was laughable. All it would take is a rusty bobby pin and an iron will.
And yet, it was the first time she had been in that room in months because it was the first time that being on the same street as her house wasn't emotionally, hormonally, or mentally unbearable. Not that being in her house felt any better at this point, but at least she wasn't holding back vomit or tears at the thought of her bright pink walls or her mother's Cream of Wheat.
Camille went over there often and left letters in their mailbox, as was part of the arrangement. Possibly "arrangement" is too strong a word, better replaced by "Camille's decision to forge a civil and informative relationship with Anne and Joseph Quinn".
Camille Logan handled business the right way, and believed wholeheartedly that deep down inside, Jane's parents wanted to hear the updates and details, about the things that they claimed they would "rather not know". Camille had a voiced a suspicion to her daughter Amy, that then of course found its way to Jane, that if it wasn't for Camille's delivery of biweekly update letters, Mrs. Quinn would be circling her neighborhood in her gray sedan even more often than she already did (which was surprisingly often for someone who claimed to be "uninterested in the details of her daughter's personal life from this point forward". As if her responsibilities as a mother ended when Jane's morning sickness began).
Jane thought of Camille and the home that she would be returning to as soon as she could find a way out of her old bed. She was able to sneak into the house on this 3rd day of February because she received word through Camille that her parents "may or may not have been in a car on their way to Maryland for the next 4 days". She snuck in on day 2 of the mini-vacation, jiggling the lock open on the sliding glass door in the back of the house. No wonder she felt like a stranger there.
Jane felt completely numb as she crossed the living room and headed for the door. Dozen's of pictures of herself at varying ages stared back at her, each sharing in common a wide and friendly smile.

Because Too Much is Never Enough

2009-08-13T19:25:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow, if all goes according to plan, you will get to meet Cassidy, perhaps Lyla and Maggie. One of the three is batshit insane, and the other two are not so different

Tonight, you get to hear about my fantastic vacation and how I cant stop missing the beauty that is San Francisco. I was reluctant to love it, mostly because of the way that everyone who has been there raves about it. I'm not a contrarian or anything, but I just couldn't imagine it living up to the hype.

"I'm warning you Barb, you are going to want to live there. Everyone wants to live there," said Josh.
"We'll see. I doubt it though," responded Barb, challenging him for no apparent reason.

And yet now I am eating my words... choking on them in fact. The most appealing part of San Francisco, and the thing I noticed first, was the weather. It's hard not to notice perfection: 59 degree lows, 62 degree highs.... as someone who has lived in the south her whole life, this seems impossible. And yet, California slapped me in the face with its blue skies and lofty breezes, enslaving me like it has so many others.

Everyone in San Francisco is beautiful. In the time that we spent there, not only did I not spot 1 obese person, but I also did not see one person in spandex who did not belong in spandex... and mind you, there was A LOT of that material roaming the streets. I always thought that being around so many young, attractive people would be threatening. However, the opposite phenomenon seemed to occur for me and my 2 traveling companions. Being around young, attractive people made us in turn feel more attractive too. There is a positive energy in that town that is alluring and contagious, and we definitely indulged a bit.

There was one particular night, one sunset, that was special to me. We had just emerged from a late-afternoon showing of Julia and Julie (wonderful- applause to Meryl and Amy for once again doing good work!) and we were walking back from the theater. It was a downhill shot, and I don't know if you are familiar with San Fran, but when you are up you are UP and vice versa altitude wise. So we are at the top of this giant hill and the walk down is so steep that they have actually chiseled stairs into the sidewalk so that pedestrians like us would not topple over to our death. We paused for a good while at the top of this hill, because the view was absolutely perfect. The sun was setting behind the Golden Gate Bridge, and the entire bay was illuminated. Everything just felt so right, and me and my boyfriend walked home and thouroughly enjoyed it. Because we couldn't stand to separate from the crisp air, we invited it into our hotel via a convieniently placed sliding glass door (leading to an even more conveniently placed balcony).

I'm rambling about that night because it pretty much sums up how I felt the entire trip (when I wasn't exhausted from all of the walking): completely and utterly comfortable.

Earlier in the summer my boyfriend's family and I took a trip to Seattle and the surounding areas (Vancouver, Victoria, Forks- Hello Twilighters!). I kept comparing San Fran to this trip the whole time because they happened to be so close together. It's amazing how you can love two things so differently. Seattle and San Fran are very very different, and I loved them both. Washington was lush and expansive. Being allowed to drive on their highways felt like a privlidge, because everywhere we looked was absolutely stunning. Something about that place felt untouched, like America's best kept secret (... secrets out!)
San Fran is so popular, and for good reason. It was sunny and light where Seattle was rich and enticing. I wish that I could better explain the places, but its difficult to put into words the feelings that a place can inspire in you.

Instead... I will post pictures! Just as soon as I get back to a computer that isn't this one.

There's money in that banana stand.

2009-08-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

Once I retrieve my notebook from my grandmother's house, I plan to copy some new stuff into here.

For now, however, I wish to comment on the fact that my state is a solid 20 degrees warmer than I would like it to be.

It's true what they say about blogs... full of "I's".

More tonight, after my trip to Grandmas House.

Practice Makes Perfect

2009-08-11T12:53:00.001-07:00

I like consistency, so I will consistently forget to write in this blog. I also like the word blog. It seems to be a fitting description of what I and other "bloggers" do.... throw a bunch of stuff out into the universe (cyber-verse) and let it sit and congeal and coagulate.

Just a thought.