Monday, December 20, 2010

"I'm afraid I just blue myself"


The neighborhood where I am staying in Acton, Mass is exactly as I imagined it would be. Picturesque and full of barren trees. The Oppenheim house is extremely cozy. I am equally tempted to fall asleep in each room, a direct result of the warm colors and soft couches.
My favorite part of the trip so far, besides getting to meet the strangers with whom I have been in communication with for years, was absolutely Harvard. If there is one thing that the past seven months has taught me, it is that I am not comfortable unless I am in, on, or around a school. And what better of a school to immerse yourself in than Harvard- even if its only for a few minutes? It was gorgeous, as to be expected. The bookstore across the road from the campus was impressive as well. It reminded me of one that we visited in NYC next to Lincoln Square.
Boston is no New York. Nothing is like New York, for better or for worse, but I will say that Boston is definitely more manageable. It doesn't overwhelm a person the way that New York might. I didn't get to see a lot, but what I did see was definitely "cute", for lack of a better word. I have heard the Boston accent. Boston wasn't visually what I expected- it was much cleaner and, again, "cuter".
I have really gotten a chance to lounge and eat on this vacation. What more could I ever want?

I will say this though... vacationing reminds me of past vacationing, and that makes me feel a little bit lonely.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Nanananan VCUT

I don't have anything to say. I'm too busy...going. I am watching Eat Pray Love. That's whats happening with that.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My Happy Place

Maybe my happy place is where it's always been, which is comfortably lounging surrounded by books, magazines, and movies.

Marathons I am going to have:

The OC
Grey's Anatomy
Mad Men
Modern Family
30 Rock
Twilight

Geez! So busy :)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Things to Reflect On

Things I am reflecting on:

1. How I should be writing a novel, not a blog. And yet...
2. Sonny's. Because food has been my only priority as of late.
3. My wonderful weekend in Amelia Island with Josh. It was nice to get away. And incase you are wondering, yes, I did sleep a full 12 hours in the soft hotel bed. It was everything I hoped for and more.
4. PA school and this blog I found from a girl who went through PA school. It's really shedding some light on the whole process.
5. My allergies. Are they real? ARE THEY? The answer is yes. They most certainly are.
6. How wonderful today's weather was. This is how October SHOULD feel. It was absolute perfection.
7. 500 Days of Summer. I love Zooey Deschanel.
8. I should hopefully start volunteering at Shands Jax soon. Infant Cuddling! I hope that it is what I am imagining it to be- which is a way to meet nurses who are experienced in Women's Health and Pediatrics and who can talk to me about the career. It probably won't be like that at all though. At least it'll be hours for my resume!
9. I need a PA to shadow.
10. 10 is a good, round number.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

People I like, for some reason or another.























Here is a collection of famous people that I like. RIGHT?!


I saw this person once who had really nice hair and appeared to have a very definitive personality. She was sort of southern, sweet, and well put together. I don't know why I remember her, but I remember thinking she would make a really good character in my book. I think everyone would make a really great character in my book, which is why my book has too many characters and not enough plot. But she had really great hair, a strong accent, and pretty jewelry! That should be enough to carry my book, right?


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Gucci Mane

I feel like I have found something that I have been missing. People that I have been missing.

I feel like I am being driven by all of these fluttering feelings.

I feel emotional when it's appropriate.

I am having a lot of fun.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What to do

I feel completely empowered, like I can do anything I want to do.

So.. what do I want to do?

FSU has a lot of great programs, and since I don't think I'd get back into UF anyway, FSU seems like a viable option.

I love the meteorology program, but that seems very math oriented. They have a lot of great environmental programs, but I can't help but feel drawn to more medically-centered programs too! I guess the practical application of a medical degree appeals to me. I love so many things that it is hard for me to pick.

Decision is the mother of all confusion.

Though, I was able to decide on a couch set for the new apartment that I don't live in quite yet.
http://www.westelm.com/products/armless-upholstered-sofa-f986/?pkey=csofas-sectionals-couch

I love the simplicity of the design of most Asian restaurants. It's going to be hard to fit my life into such a streamlined design scheme. We shall overcome.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Why am I obsessed with...

Why am I obsessed with certain shows? I think I know the reasons, but sometimes its hard to say why I like the things that I like.
This obsession with certain shows started at a young age, when I was introduced to The Wonder Years. I remember curling up in my nana Barbara's bedroom and watching episodes on her television on Nick-at-night. They used to do something called "Block Party Summer" and Thursdays (or was it Tuesdays?) they'd do several episodes of The Wonder Years. I was enraptured by the show. Either it appealed to me because it was sentimental or I became sentimental because of it. It's hard to say for sure! I loved Kevin's adult voice that commented on his younger self. I loved Winnie Cooper (so much so that I nick-named myself Winnie... now THAT's commitment). I just loved the intensity of it all, because when you are young everything feels intense. I never will forget my first love. Je taime, Wonder Years. The weird thing is, I didn't even love Kevin. I felt like I was his friend. I felt like if we both existed, he would come to me for advice about Winnie. Isn't it a little bit depressing that I wasn't even the star of my own fantasy? Young Barb, go back and GET YOURS!
Then, I moved a little away from shows and towards books- namely, Harry Potter. I started the series on the way to Sunday School and asked my mother if I could bring it in. She said no, shockingly. Harry and I grew up together- a period of 7 years where we shared trials and tribulations. His trials were possibly more serious than my own but who is keeping score? I literally never left my house without a Harry Potter book. I wouldn't go on vacation without the fifth book for some reason. It was my "comfort object", like they have in the book The Giver. I loved and will continue to worship that series for its creativity, amazing detail, and cohesiveness. I loved escaping to another world.
I had a few flings after/among Harry Potter. One I remember distinctively was The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. When you are a person who likes to borrow other's identities and character traits once and a while, there's nothing quite like a book with 4 completely different (yet pretty much the same) identities to chose from. With SOTP, I could be a Tibby- sarcastic and "progressive", a Carmen- intelligent and outspoken, a Lena- sensitive and artistic, or a Bridget- outgoing and athletic. I loved reading books where I could live vicariously through people instead of getting my own life. Sad? Not in retrospect. It was just... necessary. It's not like I was allowed to leave my house and have a real opportunity to develop a character of my own *cough cough, jab at my parents.* For the record, I rarely jab at my parents, so that's... well, that's that.
Another brief fling was with an author named Sarah Dessen. No wizardry or deeply rooted friendships... just plain old teenage girls feeling things. It was a tame phase. Nothing much to report.
And back to the shows. Gilmore Girls. A defining show for me because of where I was when I first discovered it... newly settled into a bedroom at Grandma's, ready for a change of pace. I sat in my bed (which still felt borrowed) and ate round Tostitoes with cream cheese while the Gilmore Girls of the show chirped away at warp speed. Grandma was somewhere in the background, clearing a shelf for me and inviting me to sprawl out with my personal possessions because, after all, this was to be my new home. And sprawled out I did... in time. Gilmore Girls was high school, for better or for worse.
Once high school ended, I found that I had less time to read and more time to watch t.v. alone in my dorm room... funny how that works. I partially attribute a spike in my sitcom/dramedy consumption to my bout of Mono that happened spring of freshman year. If I am being honest with myself, however, I know that this latent period in my social development was because of my own emotional cluelessness and insecurity... Mono or no Mono, I wasn't ready to branch out. I had no idea how to make friends, and I wondered how I had so many back home to begin with. I felt like I was imposing on everyone with my marginal wants and needs, including my then boyfriend (which quickly became an ex-boyfriend). So I lounged hardcore with a box of family-sized Velveeta and my new two loves: Grey's Anatomy and The Office. Only one of these shows had staying power. If you've ever met me, you know which one it was/is.
The Office came to me on Thanksgiving Break. My brother and I were at Downtown Disney exploring Virgin Megastore. I purchased season 1 on a whim, without realizing how much emotional attachment I would later develop for it. I might as well have bought a puppy. My brother and I sat in our Timeshare and watched the whole first season, giggling like little school girls. I was hooked. For some reason, when I think of my early days with The Office, I think of this one day during freshman year when I was sick and hungry and, of course, in my dormroom. I ordered Gumby's cheesy bread (dank) and had it delivered. I ate half the box and watched an episode at the end of season 3 where they go on a beach trip. I noticed beyond my television at one point, out the large glass window that stood behind it. The dorm I lived in was new and brick, and I noticed how pretty it was. I'm not very good with segues, so I will just go ahead and say, I already miss UF. Not because of what it is but because I am a nostalgic fool who is afraid to forget anything, ever. I am afraid when I love something because that means someday it will end or I will lose it or I will forget why I love it at all. Of course, I still have The Office and it's not changing. Only I can change, and I do all the time. I am constantly changing, so much so that I sometimes can't keep up and completely forget who I am and what I want. A person who is completely dictated by his or her surroundings will crumble when the surroundings are unstable. They too will reflect this instability. When I was a young girl, I didn't have stability (or that great of social skills) and I never learned how to make a decision or say what I wanted or needed. So I looked to characters and fictional, non-changing, worlds for life and reality. There is no reality in fiction, but I do stand by that fiction almost always imitates an author's reality in some way or another. These shows and books that I have obsessed over, and will continue to obsess over (Don't even get me started on Twilight or 30 Rock. Like I needed an excuse to enjoy Washington or NYC even more than I would have anyway. Oh God, Arrested Development... somebody stop me) may have determined my identity when I was younger because I wanted them to. I wanted to be the characters and not myself because myself sucked and the characters didn't. However, when I first had the epiphany that this was crazy, I went about fixing in the wrong way. I said NO MORE FICTION! and I tried to create myself as a definite, unchanging character in my own sitcom/dramedy/epic literary series/whatev-skies.
Then I had another epiphany, about 15 seconds ago. My identity is about as fluid as can be and I constantly redefine myself (based loosely on the fictional character's whose lives I envy) because I am insatiable and insecure and will never think what I am is good enough. I also get bored easily. Oh, and I'm also a touch obsessive. Life is a bitch and my escape of choice is fiction. What's that you say? Drinking is easier? Nah... 30 dollars for a DVD box set that entertains me for years is a better expenditure than a 12 pack of beer that lasts me 2 nights.
Simple economics.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Need to Brew


The unthinkable has happened.
I no longer like my signature wimpy brand of coffee drink. I take one sip of the mocha abomination and I immediately crave anything else. It was so bad today that I actually had to make an excuse for the drink, to keep it from feeling ashamed- "maybe it's just reacting with my special brand of Crest for sensitive teeth".
Or maybe it just sucks, because its not real anything.
Time to brew my own coffee. It's happening. I wish it were happening right this second because I am exhausted. But I'm not, and I won't, because I don't feel like it. Partly because I am too tired to brew coffee (haha?) and partly because I don't know if there is any in the cabinet. And the past part...ly... is that Josh and I are playing soccer lately and I don't want that weight on my stomach.
The world cup semifinal between Netherlands/Holland/Deutchland-right?/The Dutch/Orange/NottheDanes and Uruguay. It's a good game so far- 1-1 score. I am thoroughly enjoying the world cup. And, ahhh, there it is... someone just got kicked in the face by "accident". I love the drama.
Having a good time with the new phone. Having a good time with chemistry. Having a decent time with work... mmmph, yep, I'll call it decent because it is I suppose. I am having a blast with Trueblood. At least my priorities are in order. 1. Phone. 2. Chemistry. 3. "mmmph-work". 4. Trueblood.

Picture: NC Carolina, Lake Lure, Last summer (2009). I want to go on a trip there again. Just saying.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

And if...

Right now, what I feel like writing a book about is something pretty simple and partly autobiographical: A person who makes a list of his or her fears and shitty memories, determined to undo the damage that those fears and experiences have inflicted (*cue* Undo It by Carrie Underwood). It could be really cheesy and rigid, like a series of short stories almost. It could be really involved. I don't know. I just like the idea of a character actively trying to change themselves, while surrounded by other really vivid characters who sometimes fuel, sometimes inhibit, that change. It makes me think of how everyone wants to be different when they go to college, but some people are scared to admit just how they want their life to be different. People fear change. That would be my main characters number one fear. It's so broad that it can take on a lot of meanings for him/her while also being the theme of the book.

Don't be jeal.

What a terrible night.


What a terrible night tonight was, for a lot of reasons. I made almost no money (no one at my restaurant did). I closed the upstairs alone. It was just... unfortunate all around.
However, for more reasons, it was a good night. I am happy. I was able to stand around with my friends and watch fireworks from O.C.'s patio. I am loved and capable of loving others. I could have not been scheduled at all and made even less/spent money- so I am good there!
I just want to stay positive about everything. There are too many negative, oppressive attitudes in the work place and on the earth. I don't want to postpone my happiness by finding little things to be miserable over. NOW IS THE TIME FOR HAPPINESS!

Monday, May 31, 2010

I don't want to sit still.


I don't know how to be still. I need to be in constant motion to feel productive. That probably isn't logical. In a related story, here is George Clooney with a puppy.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Now that I know what I know, I know I'll...

Downloaded the Sweet Home Alabama soundtrack, so as not to loose touch with the part of me that is emotionally swayed by Jewel re-doing Skynard songs.

I am enjoying O.C. Whites. Partly because it is nothing like retail. I was tired of being alone.

I am excited about continuing my schooling. It was always my plan to do more, I just have trouble with the specifics. I will definitely finish the educator prep program at St. Johns as well... Grandma wouldn't have it any other way, and neither would I for that matter :)


I want to go on a trip. More tomorrow.


Friday, May 14, 2010

Quiz

You wanna send me a fax, buy me a fax machine.

NAME THAT MOVIE!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Headache

I guess the biggest difference between myself now and myself before graduation is that I am awake at 12:45 a.m. It feels like college never happened somehow. I feel really powerful moments where I am consumed by this feeling like I need to be in Gainesville doing something, but then I remember that right now my only obligation is to Honda for a car payment and to O.C. Whites. It's hard to adjust to having less to do. I have actual free time now! It's wonderful. I watched episodes of The Office on Hulu, went to the beach with my bestie, and took Tristan to the park.

My new car is amazing. I am so scared something is going to happen to it. That's just me, being afraid of every nice thing that comes my way.

My job is fun. I enjoy being around people. I can't believe how many years I spent working in retail. And it wasn't even that many. I guess I am just one of those people who needs to do something. And retail is not conducive to actual activity.

I drank coffee tonight, and its wearing off in a hurry. Time to crash.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Done. Zo.

Well, I'm back at grandma's house breathing the air, reacting to the dust, and eating the food. I worried that it would feel like I was moving back in time, but really it just feels like... nothing. I moved my room around and threw away a LOT of stuff. It feels good to trash things.

Life is too short.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Last days at High Springs!

Yesterday was the last day of my internship. Wow, wow, wow. Adorable and slightly heart wrenching. Even though I am sure the children will forget me, in the last minutes when they were crying and saying goodbye I felt like I had all of the appreciation and love that I could ever hope from a job. Mrs. R had them go around and say one nice thing about us and some of them were a little funny, like when one kid said, "Well... bye! High five!" Some were sad, like when one boy said, "I don't like it when people I have known for a long time leave me". I happen to know his parents are getting a divorce, so that made me really sad. I started to tear up when he said that, and when the girls noticed that three or four of them started crying too. They quickly forgot why they were crying though when we walked them to lunch, so I am confident that their fragile emotional psyche is going to be okay. Mrs. R was generous and I am going to miss how kindhearted she is. It's rare to meet someone so... nice. It's kind of a cop-out to call someone "nice" but thats just really what she is. Nice. Sweet as honey.

I got an orchid plant, some cards, drawings, a gift card, a candle, and a laminated class picture. I am going to start a teacher book and put drawings and cards and things in there, so I am excited about that... you will find me in the scrap booking section of Michaels if you need to reach me in the next.. millennia. Kids are so generous and so pure- even if they do claim to love grand theft auto (whose parents let that happen, btw?)

Yesterday Meg, Meg, and I hung out with Dr. Zeig for like an hour after class and she invited us to help her at a benefit that happened today. Me and Meg N. were able to go, and it was wonderful. Zeig is a representative for Kelly's Kids, a clothing store that operates like pampered chef parties, and they donated kids clothes for a fashion show that happened at the end of the benefit. The benefit was raise money for cancer research at Shands. These children were incredible. They had been through hell and back and still had a smile on their little faces. Even more shocking was how positive and kind their parents were. They certainly did not walk around with an overwhelmed, defeated 'oh, my life' look on their faces AT all, which I thought a parent of a sick child must look like. Instead, they were strong and positive. It was wonderful to see. The clothes were adorable; everyone looked adorable decked out in plaid and polka dots. The girls who still had hair wore large bows, but when it came time to walk the runway the show coordinator gave them a sailor hat to wear. They were slightly disappointed to cover their large, colorful bows :)
Zeig is a baller, by the way. I totally want to be like her when i'm in my thirities. Mostly because she teaches/researches exactly what i am interested in (literacy) and somehow still affords a nice car. Living the dream haha. I do plan to follow through on getting a car sometime in the next two months and I am SO thrilled. CALL ME, OC WHITES.

:) Like the cheesy, chalk-colored shirts claim: Life is Good.


Monday, April 12, 2010

"If you don't like what we do here, than you should be the one to leave."

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Little T.

Meet little T. He pretty much lights up my life and brings out the most amazing side of my boyfriend. I love watching him take care of this little guy. It is really beautiful.

Today we went to the beach and T used a shovel and pail for the first time. He discovered his first sea shell ever. J asked while we stood there and watched him, "Can you imagine what it is like for him? He is discovering his first sea shell. He has never seen anything like a 'sea shell' before". It's amazing to discover things. I hope that we never stop discovering things.

We toured UCF today, sans Little T, and I think that J was impressed. The city is huge and filled with places for me to spend money, so don't you worry. Don't you worry for one second. Money will be spent.

Actually, I really have been making a concerted effort to save. I know I've said it before but I am very serious about it this time. I want to save enough so that I don't constantly have to worry about over drafting every time I get gas. Or buy a Miley song off iTunes. You know? You've been there, right?

Today J and I did a lot of yard work. Well, it would more accurately be described as "driveway work" but it was intense. We raked and swept and poured and clipped. It looks significantly better, though with the large amount of rain anticipated in this area tomorrow I'm sure the leaves will come flooding back from their hiding places in his jungle-like yard. Oh well! It feels good to do the work none the less. And, now I can see his front stairs. Hoorah!

It was a wonderful day. Lots of time spent outdoors, lots of love going around, and a brief moment of confusion when A went missing (thats right, A. An elephant never forgets). All and all, I would say Second Spring Break has been wonderful. I spent Easter with my family (more of my family than I was used to seeing in fact!). I went to church which felt absolutely wonderful. I have watched good movies (17 Again, Vicky Christina Barcelona, I Love You Man). I visited my best friend at her cute house.
And I had a chance encounter with a friend of my mothers that really made me think. This woman has such an incredible story. She has stage 4 cancer, and I have never interacted with someone with that diagnosis before. She really made me think of some things that I had never considered before. We are all on timed schedules... some people just happen to know their time. There is no barrier between the sick and the healthy, because we are all capable of death. I know it sounds morbid, but really its kind of.. uniting.


Anyway.... I... yah thats all. I am going to jump in a pool now.



Vicky Christina Barcelona


Vicky Christina Barcelona is the king (queen?) of sexy movies. Here is why:
1. It takes place in Barcelona. Anything filmed in Europe is exotic to us silly Americans. This movie showcased a lot of great architecture and art, which makes me feel like I need more culture in my life.
2. Everyone it is fabulous sexy. Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson, Javier Bardem, Rebecca Hall... need I say more? If I do need to say more, what I will say is: Google it.
3. Javier and Penelope speak spanish. And I love that.
4. It was directed by Woody Allen. I have never been disappointed by something that he's done. His work is so distinctive. I noticed his signature touch all over the narration.

I'm not a movie reviewer. All I know is that this movie made me and Lauren want to go to Barcelona and speak spanish all the live long day.



Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Fireflies.

Two parter! Show stopper!

Part 1. Things that aren't related to teaching. (This section will probably get a lot longer in about two weeks when UF is all said and done... if I pass these last few classes, that is.)
Part 2. Things that are related to teaching.


1. Unrelated to teaching.

Why, what lovely weather we are having!
Possibly some ramen noodles on the dinner-time horizon.
American Idol later.
Jamming to some Beyonce.
Love that boyfriend of mine.
Complete sentences?





2. Related to teaching.

Before I go any further, I should update the (minute amount of)readers of this blog. I am currently torn between a few speciality masters degrees (literacy, science, counseling) and depending on where life takes me, I most likely will get a masters in a degree in one of these so that I can barge a few more doors than just a teaching degree would allow me to. But: When I first made this decision, it was partly out of fear of graduating and being stuck and blah blah blah. But now, I really do want the chance to do something else in addition to teaching. It's just how I roll. Aight? So there, that is my little update. I want another degree and in something else tangentially related to education. Fascinating stuff, I know.

Despite that, I am now going to revel in the beauty and majesty that is JUST classroom teaching. You have been warned.

It has been such an interesting month. I have been back and forth between so many ideas for the future that I can't even remember what I should be doing right now... preparing to graduate!

I keep sitting in High Springs during my days and wondering if I made the right choice. I guess the problem is that teaching is not easy. Sounds like an unsurprising thing, doesn't it? It's just not. There are a lot of politics, a lot of troubled kids, and a lot of complaints.
Sometimes, however, it helps to remember that I can only be one place at one time doing one thing. Being present for the kids is probably the most important thing for a teacher. The times I have felt most at peace and the most effective in Mrs. R's class were the times when I was 100 percent engaged with the children and whatever task we were doing. Unsurprisingly, those were the times when they seemed happiest to be there too. No matter whether or not I decide to change careers or go get a masters or whatever crazy thing I look into next, the fact still remains: every day, month, and year you spend as a teacher is one entire day, month, and year in a child's life. Just because I am only an intern now, does not make this second grade class any less real. This is the only time that TD will be in second grade and desperate to discuss his cats. This is the only time that KO will be eight years old, irritating the living daylights out of everyone around her and acting like she is impervious to reprimand. This is the only time that they will get to go over the second grade curriculum and learn how to right a 'friendly letter' and all about force and motion for the very first time. Just because I view this as my 'practice run' and because Mrs. R views this as a 'below average' group and because Lindsey is also 'practicing for the future' (and doing such a good job that it is mind blowing!) does not mean we effect these children any less.
And thats how every year of teaching is. Just because you may teach for 20 years and feel like you are stuck living the same day over and over again, does not mean that the kids are. Mrs. R aptly said that teaching is like putting on a performance every single day. No matter what is happening on the inside, you can't do anything but smile on the outside... because they will notice when you don't. Maybe they won't notice the first time or even the tenth time... but when you lose your smile for teaching completely, it won't matter if it is your hundredth group of second graders... for them, it will be the first time and because of you they wont be smiling either.

This may sound dramatic. Because it is. Matters dealing with children usually are dramatic. This was part of the problem that I had with second graders in the beginning, and even a bit now at the end of my experience: Everything that happens is the biggest deal of all. A broken pencil can ruin you, even if just for a moment. A comment from your 'best friend' will make you sob for the entirety of lunch and recess. Tattling on peers feels like a civic duty, not an inconvenience that you bestow upon the teacher. It all matters so much to them, even if we think it is petty.
Thank God that second graders forget much of the little things that bother them. Within minutes, friends will reunite after harsh battles and pencils will be sharpened (and further abused) and you will forget what it was you were going to tattle about. When it comes to things between friends, young children are resilient and have an extremely fast emotional turn over rate. Fighting, and reuniting, is commonplace.

And yet for some reason, the things that teachers stick with children for far longer. I cannot remember a single social event from second grade (perhaps because I didn't have any friends) but I can remember Mrs. Noark writing me a hand-written letter on pink stationary in honor of the last day of school. She wrote all about our year together and what she loved about me. Maybe my personal obsession with school and my inability to make friends with kids my own age was what inspired me to keep it. Maybe I thought that teachers were the only ones who understood me, and therefore that I should hold on to anything they gave me, tangible or otherwise. And Maybe, no... probably, I was just way more sentimental than I should have been.

Or maybe being a teacher really can matter. To one person, at least.



An Article


Josh showed me this article and it felt really appropriate in light of everything I have been thinking and talking about at high springs, in class, and with josh late into the night. merit pay for teachers is on the horizon for florida. many questions are floating around in the air: what will happen? who will brave or embrace the change? and why is my font refusing to de-capitalize?




EDUCATION

An Unlikely Gambler

By firing bad teachers and paying good ones six-figure salaries, Michelle Rhee just might save D.C.'s schools.

Not long after Michelle Rhee took over as head of the Washington, D.C., public schools a year ago, she announced a plan to shut down almost two dozen schools in D.C.'s decrepit, shrinking, public-education system. At a meeting at one school, parents began screaming at Rhee and throwing things. As it happened, Rhee's own parents were in Washington, visiting from Denver, and they saw the confrontation on TV. "So I come home at 11 o'clock at night," Rhee recalled in a recent interview with NEWSWEEK. "I am making myself a peanut-butter sandwich. My mother is, like, 'Are you OK?' I said, 'Yeah, I'm fine.' She said, 'You know, when you were young, you never used to care what people thought about you, and I always thought that you were going to be antisocial, but now I see this serving you well.' I was, like, 'Yeah'."

Rhee says she doesn't mind getting yelled at. "I don't take things personally," she says. Indeed, she seems unflappable, a slender, pretty young woman with a straightforward, though not humorless, manner. A tireless single mother of two young girls, she taps away at two BlackBerrys (one for her close friends and staff, the other for the city and the public at large) from early morning until after midnight, answering every e-mail personally. Her candor can be disarming, though risky in her position. "She is without guile," says her mentor, Joel Klein, the head of the New York City public schools, who adds, a little wistfully, "so rare in public life."

That is not to say that Rhee is relaxed. She says she wakes up every morning with a "knot in my stomach," and that she is "angry," though "angry in a good way." She is angry at a system of education that puts "the interests of adults" over the "interests of children," i.e., a system that values job protection for teachers over their effectiveness in the classroom. Rhee is trying to change that system. In a way that few realistic observers thought was possible, she has a chance to succeed, not just in Washington, but also around the country. She is entering into a struggle with the local teachers union that will test whether an urban school district can weed out its weak teachers—a profound threat to politically powerful teachers unions nationwide. "If she can pull it off, it's big," says Klein, who has battled, with mixed success, to tame the teachers union in New York City. Rhee's own story is a flicker, potentially a flame, of hope in the relentlessly depressing story of inner-city education.

For many years, high-achieving students chose not to be teachers (the average SAT of would-be elementary-school teachers taking a popular licensing exam is significantly below the national average for all college grads). The daughter of a doctor, Rhee, who was raised in Toledo, Ohio, describes herself as "a relatively high-achieving kid all through high school and college. So nobody tells you to go into education," she says, in her matter-of-fact way, not trying to be ironic. "You know, people are telling you to go be a doctor or a lawyer or a stockbroker. They are not telling you to be a teacher." Not sure what she wanted to do with her life as she graduated from Cornell in 1992, Rhee joined Teach For America, a then brand-new organization, created by a Princeton student, to get Ivy Leaguers to work in poor inner-city schools for a couple of years. The experience, she says, "has shaped every single day of my life since then."

Rhee was placed in one of the lowest-performing schools in Baltimore as a second-grade teacher. "It was a total culture shock for me," she recalls. While she was talking to her students as they lined up for lunch, one of the students fell down on the floor. "Each kid, as they were walking by, kicked the kid that was down," Rhee says. "I was, like, 'What are they doing?' But it was like second nature to them. The kid is down. Kick him."

Rhee was unable to stop the kids, or control them in the classroom for most of her first year. At Christmas, she went home scratching at huge welts on her arm. A doctor diagnosed stress. Her mother said, "You can apply for law school second semester." Her father, a strong believer in the work ethic and rooting for the underdog, said, "Suck it up and get back in there."

Rhee "sort of became obsessed," she says. "I was not going to let 8-year-olds run me out of town." Over the next two years, working with another teacher, she took a group of 70 kids who had been scoring "at almost rock bottom on standardized tests" to "absolutely at the top," she says. (Baltimore does not keep records by classroom, so NEWSWEEK was unable to confirm this assertion.) The key to success was, in her word, "sweat," on the part of the teacher and the students. "I wouldn't say I was a great teacher. I've seen great. I worked hard," says Rhee.

She had an epiphany of sorts. In the demoralized world of inner-city schools, it is easy to become resigned to poor results—and to blame the environment, not the schools themselves. Broken families, crime, drugs, all conspire against academic achievement. But Rhee discovered that teachers could make the critical difference. "It drives me nuts when people say that two thirds of a kid's academic achievement is based on their environment. That is B.S.," says Rhee. She points to her second graders in Baltimore whose scores rose from worst to best. "Those kids, where they lived didn't change. Their parents didn't change. Their diets didn't change. The violence in the community didn't change. The only thing that changed for those 70 kids was the adults who were in front of them every single day teaching them."

Rhee (with parental consent) made the kids go to school on Saturdays and gave them two hours of homework a night, so they would "not watch TV or sit on the stoop or play Nintendo." She slowly won the respect of parents. "My first year of teaching, they were, like, 'We do not want the crazy Korean lady,' and by the time I left, they were, 'Where are you going? You can't leave'."

Rhee stayed in education, starting an organization, The New Teacher Project, devoted to recruiting better teachers for hard-to-staff inner-city schools. She caught the attention of Joel Klein, who was trying to reform the New York City school system under Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Klein, in late 2006, recommended Rhee to Adrian Fenty, the newly elected mayor of Washington, D.C., who staked his reputation on fixing D.C.'s chronically poor schools.

At first Rhee said she was not interested. "It's not a job you would want," she says. "You have your hands tied. You have to deal with school boards. It's all about politics. You can't get anything done. It's an impossible job." But Fenty managed to convince Rhee that he was serious. Skeptical (she says she was "not wowed" by the mayor at first), she asked him, "What would you be willing to risk at the chance of being able to transform the schools?" According to Rhee, he "didn't hesitate. He said, 'Everything'." Rhee warned him that she was not politically correct and was sure to cause him political pain. (Last week Fenty told NEWSWEEK, "I don't want to look back on our time and say we were careful, we did the politically correct thing.") Fenty has kept his word to Rhee. His first act was to take away power from the D.C. school board, which had been for many years an obstacle to real reform. He showed a willingness to open up the city's checkbook. At one meeting not long ago, he asked Rhee how much more money she might need. "It would be about $40 million," she answered. (The D.C. school's annual budget is just under $800 million.) The stunned city administrator, Dan Tangherlini, spluttered, "We don't have an extra $40 million." Fenty ordered the administrator to start figuring out a way to get the money, even if it meant citywide reductions in force. (Fenty and Rhee communicate several times a day by e-mail and cell phone.)

Even measured by the low standard of inner-city schools, Washington's have long been among the worst. The math and reading skills of its students lag two or three years behind national norms, despite per-student expenditures greater than in any major city outside of New York. The school bureaucracy had a reputation for bloat and incompetence, and an almost Stalinist resistance to reform. (When she arrived, no one could tell her how many textbooks the schools owned.) The former president of the teachers union, Barbara Bullock, is now serving a six-and-a-half-year prison sentence for embezzling $4.6 million. She admitted using union funds to buy 13 furs, 37 designer handbags and a 288-piece antique Tiffany silver set (she told the judge she is now mentoring young inmates, who call her "Grandma").

Rhee is the seventh person to run the D.C. schools in the past 10 years. Most of her predecessors were, according to Rhee, "smart and worked hard and wanted to do the right thing for kids," but "they didn't get a whole lot done." The reason, she says, is that they "caved in" to the city's educational establishment, whose talk of reform was just that.

Rhee showed she was serious by firing more than a hundred non-union central office workers, including administrators, and 36 principals (one out of four). She even fired the principal of the school where she chose to enroll her own daughters, Starr, 9, and Olivia, 6. "I can't talk about the details, but let's just say I was in that school three days a week. I know what was going on there." The "sad thing," she said, "was when a parent e-mailed me to say that she [Marta Guzman, the fired principal] couldn't possibly have been one of the worst principals in the system. My answer was, is that our standard? Have our expectations been so lowered?" One co-chairman of the school's PTA, Eduardo Barada, accused Rhee of racism for ousting a Hispanic principal. (Guzman told NEWSWEEK that she did not know why she had been fired, a characterization Rhee disputes.) But the other PTA co-chair, Claire Taylor, told NEWSWEEK, "Rhee's making decisions that should have been made years ago, and she's accountable for those decisions. And that is what is so disarming to parents who have been traumatized by this school system." Taylor was impressed by Rhee's cool at raucous parents' meetings. "She clearly is a brave person. I have been in rooms where parents are hysterically upset and she walks in so quietly respectful, telegraphing accountability, and says, 'I'm gonna do something you may not like, but it's for the good of the children, and I'm doing it, it's all me'."

Other parents call her a "dictator" and predict she will flee or be driven into exile. "She gives you this stare as if she's looking right through you. 'I'm listening but I'm not hearing you'," says Clarence Cherry, another local PTA head. "Rhee and her people are not from D.C. They don't understand us. They are here for the money. She'll be here two years, tops." As a Korean-American, Rhee was regarded with suspicion by some in D.C., where 85 percent of public-school students are black, and where racial identity can still matter. But her directness and purposefulness have won over some early critics, like Ray Behbehani, a parent who was initially angered by Guzman's dismissal. "She may not be the warmest person, or maybe it's just me, I don't read Asian faces and people well, but she's got it totally together," he told NEWSWEEK.

Rhee's toughest fight, by far, is coming up. She has proposed a new contract for the union that would undermine tenure, the teachers union holy of holies. The carrot is money. By tapping Mayor Fenty and private philanthropists, she is hoping to make D.C. teachers the best-paid in the country. Current teachers would actually have a choice. If they are willing to go on "probation" for a year—giving up their job security—and can successfully prove their talent, they can earn more than $100,000 a year and as much as $130,000, a huge salary for a teacher, after five years. If not, they still get a generous 28 percent raise over five years and keep their tenure. (All new teachers must sign up for the first option and go on probation for four years.) Rhee predicts that about half the teachers will choose to take their chances on accountability for higher pay, and that within five years the rest will follow, giving up tenure for the shot at merit pay hikes.

She may be overly optimistic about getting the union to accept her terms. The union president, George Parker, has been willing to work with Rhee, but he has taken heat from some union members who accuse him of cozying up to the school chief. Privately, Rhee and Parker have had some shouting matches. Rhee said she would refuse to sign a contract that had provisions that are "bad for kids," and Parker is balking at the probationary period for teachers. (Some of his experienced teachers say they are "insulted" by the probation requirement, but Rhee told NEWSWEEK that probation is "non-negotiable" because it goes to the heart of the matter, the ability to remove teachers who are not performing well.) In one meeting, according to Rhee's own account, she said to Parker: "Either we do this with you or we do this to you." And then she challenged him by saying, "You don't have what it takes to pull this off."

Parker is caught in the middle. At the end of a week of meeting with suspicious and hostile teachers groups in early August, he appeared tired and beaten-down. (Rhee, who had sat in on many of the same meetings, seemed cool and relaxed.) The union's vice president, Nathan Saunders, has sued Parker to open up the negotiations to a wider group of union officials. "George was negotiating as if this was a private contract, one on one," says Saunders. "My reaction was, oh, hell no! The best unions have large negotiating teams. We had two folks dating." Saunders is whipping up opposition in the union. "I consider this proposal to be an IQ test as to whether teachers are willing to slit their own throats," says Saunders. A black inner-city kid who made a fortune on real estate, Saunders is a smart dresser who sports bow ties and talks a lot about "due process." Indeed, a critical and so far unresolved question is how teachers will be judged. Rhee will insist on hard data—test scores—showing effectiveness in the classroom, but union members warn about arbitrary firings.

The union can play hard. When Rhee moved to reclassify some central-administration workers so they could be terminated without cause, the union began running 60-second radio ads attacking Rhee, playing "Back Stabbers" by the O'Jays as background music. But Rhee has some sticks to wave as well as carrots. Although she will not go into detail, it is a good bet that she will find other legal tools to hold teachers accountable even if the teachers refuse to sign a contract. "I believe this contract is going to pass," she told NEWSWEEK. "And I believe it is going to have a huge impact." But, she added, "even if it didn't, it would not stop me."

The fact is that D.C.'s school system is shrinking. About a third of D.C. parents now opt to send their kids to charter schools, which are public schools—but where the teachers are non-union. The union has lost more than a thousand of its more than 5,000 teaching slots during the past decade. Rhee, it appears to many, is not interested in protecting turf. If she can open more charter schools that are better than the regular city schools, she seems willing to let the old system wither away. At first charter schools were often no better or even worse than schools in the system, but lately some—particularly the KIPP schools—have been scoring higher on tests. If the union doesn't accept reform, it may not have many jobs left to protect.

Rhee doesn't quite come out and say it, but she and her fellow reformers are trying to change the teaching profession, at least in the inner city, from an 8 a.m.-to-3 p.m. job with summers off, to something that bears more resemblance to joining the Green Berets. Rhee succeeded in Baltimore because she worked like a demon. The KIPP schools score well because teachers work from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., and on Saturday, and carry cell phones so their students can reach them any time. Summer vacation lasts only about a month. There are teachers who can maintain this pace for decades (just as there are some older Special Forces operatives in the military), but in Rhee's world many teachers may find themselves working hard, burning out and moving on. "There are some absolutely fabulous teachers who have taught in very tough settings for 20 years and have consistently produced stunning growth, and have somehow found the stamina to do it, while some energetic 24-year-olds aren't up to it," says Kati Haycock, president of Education Trust, a longtime reform expert (and former D.C. school parent). "But what we need to do is change the idea that education is the only career that needs to be done for life. There are a lot of smart people who change careers every six or seven years, while education ends up with a bunch of people on the low end of the pile who don't want to compete in the job market."

Naturally, this sentiment seems patronizing, if not downright threatening, to many career teachers with a union card. They resent the young Ivy Leaguers who come in from Teach For America for a couple of years, acting superior, and then go off to become investment bankers or lawyers. (TFA stands for "Teach for Awhile," they joke.)

It is hard to know how Rhee sustains her own pace. Three days a week she picks up her kids at 5:30 (they are in after-school programs) and stays with them until bedtime—then it's back to work until 1 or 2 a.m. When their father, a TFA executive named Kevin Huffman, has the kids, she basically works 18-hour days. Having a mom as school chancellor is "hard on the kids," she says. She recalls that when she refused to cancel school on a not-very-snowy day, her older daughter, Starr, came home complaining, "Other kids are saying that by not canceling school because of the snow that you are putting all of our lives in danger." Rhee explained that some poor kids don't eat unless they can get a school meal. A couple of weeks later, Starr reported, "Now there's a rumor that you are going to lengthen the schoolyear and make us go to school longer." Rhee replied, "Well, you know, time on task is very important." Starr, who apparently takes after her mother, answered, "I backed you on the snow thing. I am not backing you on more school, though."

Rhee's bluntness and unwillingness to compromise are admirable, but they may also be her undoing. Rhee has Mayor Fenty's complete support, but she has irked some city council members, in one case because her aides supposedly blocked a council member from going onstage with her at a summer-school graduation. Rhee does not seem interested in the rituals of political nicety, and, while she says she's a Democrat, she can be very scornful of her own party. "It's embarrassing to be a Democrat when you hear Democrats talk about education," she says. "The Democratic Party is supposed to be the party that looks out for poor black kids, yet the kind of rhetoric they spew about … [how the Bush administration's No Child Left Behind law is] 'sucking the life out of our teachers'—come on. Get real. I believe that until the Democratic Party breaks ties with the teachers unions, we are not going to see the true reform in this country that we need."

As she spoke, late in the day (but only in the middle of her workday), she was becoming uncharacteristically wound up. "We do not have a nation right now where every child has an equal chance in life, because poor black kids don't have an equal shot in life, because they go to crappy schools, and the Democratic Party is not tackling this issue, which I think is one of the biggest problems that exist."

The interview was drawing to an end. A NEWSWEEK reporter asked her if she still got welts from stress. "Uh, yeah," she said, seeming slightly knocked off-balance for the first and only time. The moment passed; she excused herself to go back to work.