Texas- 1 Month

Wow. I can't believe I have been in this place a month.

Just kidding. I can believe it. I have done a serious amount of sitting, eating, crying, and panicking. I feel like its evolved into something healthy. I no longer change my mind on careers every day. I cry when I'm sad and I laugh when I'm happy. I go to therapy and talk about awesome things like self-esteem and negativity ("Do you realize how negative the things you are saying sounds? Where does that negativity come from?") We discuss commitment ("How long have you been resisted commitment?") 

She wants me to write out the main differences between my family and Corey's family based on the month. Here's an important difference... no one is angry or bitter here. I keep expecting it to come, but it really just doesn't. 

I have been having trouble falling asleep as of late. My atrocious fall off the Weight Watchers wagon has left me bruised and unwell, perhaps that is a contributing factor. Alas, I cannot sleep and I don't care to force it. Instead I have been trying to map out my dream house as i lay there with my eyes close. It's an effective sedative; I usually pass out while debating the paint color of the foyer. Decision making sends me off running into an alternate reality. 

We drove around all afternoon looking at houses for Corey's dad and Nina to buy. It was a very scenic trip. Most of the houses were on Lake Eagle Mountain. The rolling hills made for a pretty tour of NW Fort Worth. I saw many large and aesthetically pleasing houses. They were the kind of house I would have envied as a child, the kind my parents could never afford. I imagine that these houses would be attainable for me and Corey down the road. However, I wonder if The House is as important as I once though it was. To young Barbara, spacious new homes on lush green lots were a beacon of stability, a promise of happiness. To 23 year old Barbara, spacious new homes on lush green lots represent a commitment to a city, a career, and a lifestyle. People who own the nice homes don't get to change their careers on a whim. They belong to a city. It's hard for me to imagine belonging to a city here in Texas. It's too new to consider, but it's never where I imagined I'd own a home. I know better than to assume than I can predict the future. Far too many variables stand in the way of seeing 2017.  I am certainly not ready to commit to a home any time soon- I'd need at least 5 years before that would even be an option. 

Why do I see myself in a different kind of home in a different kind of place, somewhere I've never even been? Maybe I'm not seeking stability at all. Maybe I'm seeking novelty. 

Texas something

Three interesting questions asked of me today:

How long have you had this fear of commitment?

Where does all this negativity come from?

And, my favorite,

What are some things about yourself you know to be true all of the time?

Texas 14

It's been a week since we last chatted about absolutely nothing, so I thought it was time to rekindle our fire. 

I had a very active weekend here in the heartland. We went to the rodeo and sat in the VIP section, which simply means we had access to a bar and more comfortable seats. No fresh earth was flung upon me this round, which suggests it was a better time than the first. We went with Corey's cousins and had a good time. It was the first day of rain I've had here. Apparently rain is a rarity; the locals lose all sense when the sky opens and forget how to drive. 

Today was the first day in a while I haven't gone out and explored. I made myself sleep in and relax. It was fantastic. I never want to go to work. The feelings of uselessness that marked my days in the beginning are no longer weighing on me. I enjoy having no where to go and no one to answer to. I love that every day this week I've considered different possibilities for my professional life. I've tried on several hats this week: Technical Writer, Travel Blogger, Web Page Designer. Today it was... Professional Sitter. I would make a career of sitting in a lounge chair in the backyard with a travel novel and a Stella.  I would develop a gradual tan for the first time in my adult life. I would finish my days with ice cream and HGTV. 

Right now I am reading "The Lost Girls". Three 28 year-old women quit their jobs and travel for a year. So far so good. It isn't spiritually driven like Eat, Pray, Love and it vacillates between POVs which makes it an interesting read. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I needed something. At first I was sure it was sugar, and I indulged in an Oatmeal Cream Pie while watching a Sex and the City marathon. When that failed to alleviate my unease, I went for a walk around the neighborhood. The conditions were perfect. It was windy, as it often is, but the sun was warm. there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I felt inspired to lay in the backyard, which is something you don't do much of in apartment complexes. I had forgotten what it feels like to have a backyard, to have a place to go where neighbors can't claim equal rights to your outdoor space. The yard was all mine today. And Katniss's. And "The Lost Girls". 

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. 

NYC 2009

Photo of the Day: 

Texas 7

Today I woke up, got a fancy Starbucks drink that I am not allowed to drink because its 9 points, and went to a movie alone. Boot-leg city bitch... boot...boot city bitch.

I then went to Belks, and tried on several well-fitting things, but purchased none because I am unemployed (applaud my restraint, please).

I got into a tiff with my UF advisor.

I found a half-priced used bookstore and bought some things there, because apparently it doesn't matter that I am unemployed (retract your applause). I am proud of some of my purchases, namely "On Writing Well", "Chicken Soup for the Writer's Soul", and "Screenwriting". Sometimes I feel like my gift might be screenwriting and not novel writing, because I am visually inspired and I see my stories so clearly. I am witty and passionate. I could do both.

I applied for jobs as a technical writer for an hour and felt my blood pressure climb. The job descriptions are so... intimidating. Lauren insists that its all bs and that I am perfect for that type of job.
Why do I let these stupid descriptions scare me senseless? I read the description for the job I had at Prometric and laughed my tush off... anything can sound amazing if you know how to play it.

Now, I am going to buy lingerie offline, because, again, unemployment doesn't phase me.

Photo of the day: Hello, me.

Up Next: Texas 8.

Texas 6

Today I woke up late. "That moment when I look at my cell phone and feel instantly stressed"...

... despite having no where to be.

So anyway, I woke up at 11:30 and my anxiety was sky high all day. I looked for jobs and panicked about my life and wondered if I should have just went forward with nursing despite hating people's fluids and and....

I applied for jobs as a technical writer, and I feel good about that direction, though I don't plan on starting to work for a while. This would just be a job to get me financially going while I continue to question everything in my life. If I had it my way I wouldn't start working until around March 30. Realistically I probably wont be able to get a job by then anyway, since I am applying outside of my "field of expertise".

I just don't feel right today. A little sad. Not homesick, at least. I think the problem is I feel as though I have nothing to offer the professional world. That's silly, and I need to stop thinking that way and get my tush into a therapist's chair.

Today was also day 1 of my cooking "thing", where I "cook things". For my first creation, I made potato and spinach casserole. It's baking in the oven right now. I have high hopes for it.

Cool onion and garlic in olive oil or pam. Add salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and jalepeno until it becomes aromatic.

Add thinly sliced potatoes to the bottom of an 8 inch baking square pan. Put newly made onion-seasoning mix on top. Add 10 oz of drained, cooked spinach and 1/2 cup (or however much you want) of shredded cheese; preferably Monterey jack,  but I used sharp cheddar because I'm feeling dull (haha).

Add more thinly sliced potatoes on top of the cheese. Pour 2/3 of a cup of vegetable broth over the top and add the rest of the onion-seasoning concoction to the top. Cover with tinfoil and bake the situation for an hour. Uncover the foil and bake for 15 more minutes.

Voila!

Picture of the day: Me and Sterling in Jamaica.
Up Next: This is becoming laughable. I don't know what is up next.

Texas 5

::sigh::

That is what relief sounds like.

It might also sound like me pouring a glass of wine, sinking into a bubble bath, or nose-diving into my pillow.

BAI UF. For now...

Up Next: Lies. All lies.

Picture of the Day:

Double Feature

I think that people have children because they are petrified of their lives and they feel absolutely purposeless. They plunge headfirst into this pre-made identity, abandoning their fears and insecurities at the welcome mat; they drop right on out, alongside the bloody placenta.

Motherhood does't exist to validate your existence. Don't have babies because you can't get your shit together and you are 16 and afraid. Have children because you are ready, you are stable, and you figured your shit out a few years ago through a wild and tumultuous youth. Have children because you are willing and able to spend your days pleasing them, helping them, and serving them. Have children because you want to be a stay-at-home mother or father and you believe there is truth to the testament that attachment parenting is the best way to raise a child. Have children because you work hard as fuck at a job that affords you the ability to give your child the best care possible. Have children because you want to provide people with broken parts and broken hearts the opportunity to be parents.

Don't have children out of fear. Your kids will grow up to be scared, because that shit is contagious.
Don't have children because you don't know who you are. They wont be able to tell you.
Most of all, don't have children because you think you have to. It may be your biological imperative to procreate, but biological imperatives do not pay the bills or offer tenderness in the middle of the night when your child is colicky.

And if you do have kids before you are ready, learn how to make sacrifices.