Texas- 1 Month

Wow. I can't believe I have been in this place a month.

Just kidding. I can believe it. I have done a serious amount of sitting, eating, crying, and panicking. I feel like its evolved into something healthy. I no longer change my mind on careers every day. I cry when I'm sad and I laugh when I'm happy. I go to therapy and talk about awesome things like self-esteem and negativity ("Do you realize how negative the things you are saying sounds? Where does that negativity come from?") We discuss commitment ("How long have you been resisted commitment?") 

She wants me to write out the main differences between my family and Corey's family based on the month. Here's an important difference... no one is angry or bitter here. I keep expecting it to come, but it really just doesn't. 

I have been having trouble falling asleep as of late. My atrocious fall off the Weight Watchers wagon has left me bruised and unwell, perhaps that is a contributing factor. Alas, I cannot sleep and I don't care to force it. Instead I have been trying to map out my dream house as i lay there with my eyes close. It's an effective sedative; I usually pass out while debating the paint color of the foyer. Decision making sends me off running into an alternate reality. 

We drove around all afternoon looking at houses for Corey's dad and Nina to buy. It was a very scenic trip. Most of the houses were on Lake Eagle Mountain. The rolling hills made for a pretty tour of NW Fort Worth. I saw many large and aesthetically pleasing houses. They were the kind of house I would have envied as a child, the kind my parents could never afford. I imagine that these houses would be attainable for me and Corey down the road. However, I wonder if The House is as important as I once though it was. To young Barbara, spacious new homes on lush green lots were a beacon of stability, a promise of happiness. To 23 year old Barbara, spacious new homes on lush green lots represent a commitment to a city, a career, and a lifestyle. People who own the nice homes don't get to change their careers on a whim. They belong to a city. It's hard for me to imagine belonging to a city here in Texas. It's too new to consider, but it's never where I imagined I'd own a home. I know better than to assume than I can predict the future. Far too many variables stand in the way of seeing 2017.  I am certainly not ready to commit to a home any time soon- I'd need at least 5 years before that would even be an option. 

Why do I see myself in a different kind of home in a different kind of place, somewhere I've never even been? Maybe I'm not seeking stability at all. Maybe I'm seeking novelty.