Texas- 1 Month

Wow. I can't believe I have been in this place a month.

Just kidding. I can believe it. I have done a serious amount of sitting, eating, crying, and panicking. I feel like its evolved into something healthy. I no longer change my mind on careers every day. I cry when I'm sad and I laugh when I'm happy. I go to therapy and talk about awesome things like self-esteem and negativity ("Do you realize how negative the things you are saying sounds? Where does that negativity come from?") We discuss commitment ("How long have you been resisted commitment?") 

She wants me to write out the main differences between my family and Corey's family based on the month. Here's an important difference... no one is angry or bitter here. I keep expecting it to come, but it really just doesn't. 

I have been having trouble falling asleep as of late. My atrocious fall off the Weight Watchers wagon has left me bruised and unwell, perhaps that is a contributing factor. Alas, I cannot sleep and I don't care to force it. Instead I have been trying to map out my dream house as i lay there with my eyes close. It's an effective sedative; I usually pass out while debating the paint color of the foyer. Decision making sends me off running into an alternate reality. 

We drove around all afternoon looking at houses for Corey's dad and Nina to buy. It was a very scenic trip. Most of the houses were on Lake Eagle Mountain. The rolling hills made for a pretty tour of NW Fort Worth. I saw many large and aesthetically pleasing houses. They were the kind of house I would have envied as a child, the kind my parents could never afford. I imagine that these houses would be attainable for me and Corey down the road. However, I wonder if The House is as important as I once though it was. To young Barbara, spacious new homes on lush green lots were a beacon of stability, a promise of happiness. To 23 year old Barbara, spacious new homes on lush green lots represent a commitment to a city, a career, and a lifestyle. People who own the nice homes don't get to change their careers on a whim. They belong to a city. It's hard for me to imagine belonging to a city here in Texas. It's too new to consider, but it's never where I imagined I'd own a home. I know better than to assume than I can predict the future. Far too many variables stand in the way of seeing 2017.  I am certainly not ready to commit to a home any time soon- I'd need at least 5 years before that would even be an option. 

Why do I see myself in a different kind of home in a different kind of place, somewhere I've never even been? Maybe I'm not seeking stability at all. Maybe I'm seeking novelty. 

Texas something

Three interesting questions asked of me today:

How long have you had this fear of commitment?

Where does all this negativity come from?

And, my favorite,

What are some things about yourself you know to be true all of the time?

Texas 14

It's been a week since we last chatted about absolutely nothing, so I thought it was time to rekindle our fire. 

I had a very active weekend here in the heartland. We went to the rodeo and sat in the VIP section, which simply means we had access to a bar and more comfortable seats. No fresh earth was flung upon me this round, which suggests it was a better time than the first. We went with Corey's cousins and had a good time. It was the first day of rain I've had here. Apparently rain is a rarity; the locals lose all sense when the sky opens and forget how to drive. 

Today was the first day in a while I haven't gone out and explored. I made myself sleep in and relax. It was fantastic. I never want to go to work. The feelings of uselessness that marked my days in the beginning are no longer weighing on me. I enjoy having no where to go and no one to answer to. I love that every day this week I've considered different possibilities for my professional life. I've tried on several hats this week: Technical Writer, Travel Blogger, Web Page Designer. Today it was... Professional Sitter. I would make a career of sitting in a lounge chair in the backyard with a travel novel and a Stella.  I would develop a gradual tan for the first time in my adult life. I would finish my days with ice cream and HGTV. 

Right now I am reading "The Lost Girls". Three 28 year-old women quit their jobs and travel for a year. So far so good. It isn't spiritually driven like Eat, Pray, Love and it vacillates between POVs which makes it an interesting read. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I needed something. At first I was sure it was sugar, and I indulged in an Oatmeal Cream Pie while watching a Sex and the City marathon. When that failed to alleviate my unease, I went for a walk around the neighborhood. The conditions were perfect. It was windy, as it often is, but the sun was warm. there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I felt inspired to lay in the backyard, which is something you don't do much of in apartment complexes. I had forgotten what it feels like to have a backyard, to have a place to go where neighbors can't claim equal rights to your outdoor space. The yard was all mine today. And Katniss's. And "The Lost Girls". 

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. 

NYC 2009

Photo of the Day: 

Texas 7

Today I woke up, got a fancy Starbucks drink that I am not allowed to drink because its 9 points, and went to a movie alone. Boot-leg city bitch... boot...boot city bitch.

I then went to Belks, and tried on several well-fitting things, but purchased none because I am unemployed (applaud my restraint, please).

I got into a tiff with my UF advisor.

I found a half-priced used bookstore and bought some things there, because apparently it doesn't matter that I am unemployed (retract your applause). I am proud of some of my purchases, namely "On Writing Well", "Chicken Soup for the Writer's Soul", and "Screenwriting". Sometimes I feel like my gift might be screenwriting and not novel writing, because I am visually inspired and I see my stories so clearly. I am witty and passionate. I could do both.

I applied for jobs as a technical writer for an hour and felt my blood pressure climb. The job descriptions are so... intimidating. Lauren insists that its all bs and that I am perfect for that type of job.
Why do I let these stupid descriptions scare me senseless? I read the description for the job I had at Prometric and laughed my tush off... anything can sound amazing if you know how to play it.

Now, I am going to buy lingerie offline, because, again, unemployment doesn't phase me.

Photo of the day: Hello, me.

Up Next: Texas 8.

Texas 6

Today I woke up late. "That moment when I look at my cell phone and feel instantly stressed"...

... despite having no where to be.

So anyway, I woke up at 11:30 and my anxiety was sky high all day. I looked for jobs and panicked about my life and wondered if I should have just went forward with nursing despite hating people's fluids and and....

I applied for jobs as a technical writer, and I feel good about that direction, though I don't plan on starting to work for a while. This would just be a job to get me financially going while I continue to question everything in my life. If I had it my way I wouldn't start working until around March 30. Realistically I probably wont be able to get a job by then anyway, since I am applying outside of my "field of expertise".

I just don't feel right today. A little sad. Not homesick, at least. I think the problem is I feel as though I have nothing to offer the professional world. That's silly, and I need to stop thinking that way and get my tush into a therapist's chair.

Today was also day 1 of my cooking "thing", where I "cook things". For my first creation, I made potato and spinach casserole. It's baking in the oven right now. I have high hopes for it.

Cool onion and garlic in olive oil or pam. Add salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and jalepeno until it becomes aromatic.

Add thinly sliced potatoes to the bottom of an 8 inch baking square pan. Put newly made onion-seasoning mix on top. Add 10 oz of drained, cooked spinach and 1/2 cup (or however much you want) of shredded cheese; preferably Monterey jack,  but I used sharp cheddar because I'm feeling dull (haha).

Add more thinly sliced potatoes on top of the cheese. Pour 2/3 of a cup of vegetable broth over the top and add the rest of the onion-seasoning concoction to the top. Cover with tinfoil and bake the situation for an hour. Uncover the foil and bake for 15 more minutes.

Voila!

Picture of the day: Me and Sterling in Jamaica.
Up Next: This is becoming laughable. I don't know what is up next.

Texas 5

::sigh::

That is what relief sounds like.

It might also sound like me pouring a glass of wine, sinking into a bubble bath, or nose-diving into my pillow.

BAI UF. For now...

Up Next: Lies. All lies.

Picture of the Day:

Double Feature

I think that people have children because they are petrified of their lives and they feel absolutely purposeless. They plunge headfirst into this pre-made identity, abandoning their fears and insecurities at the welcome mat; they drop right on out, alongside the bloody placenta.

Motherhood does't exist to validate your existence. Don't have babies because you can't get your shit together and you are 16 and afraid. Have children because you are ready, you are stable, and you figured your shit out a few years ago through a wild and tumultuous youth. Have children because you are willing and able to spend your days pleasing them, helping them, and serving them. Have children because you want to be a stay-at-home mother or father and you believe there is truth to the testament that attachment parenting is the best way to raise a child. Have children because you work hard as fuck at a job that affords you the ability to give your child the best care possible. Have children because you want to provide people with broken parts and broken hearts the opportunity to be parents.

Don't have children out of fear. Your kids will grow up to be scared, because that shit is contagious.
Don't have children because you don't know who you are. They wont be able to tell you.
Most of all, don't have children because you think you have to. It may be your biological imperative to procreate, but biological imperatives do not pay the bills or offer tenderness in the middle of the night when your child is colicky.

And if you do have kids before you are ready, learn how to make sacrifices.

Texas 4

You need to believe in yourself. No one is going to do it for you. 

I have been reflecting on how exhausting it is to need everyone to support you. Why can't you and maybe your significant other make a life without everyone being... involved? Why does everyone get an opinion on everything? I know you can't stop people from having opinions. However, I don't have to accept your opinion and I certainly don't have to regard it as fact. If someone ever asks me "may I give my opinion" I want to say "NO YOU MAY NOT" and move on with my day. Is that okay? May I say no you may not?  

Today I went to Walmart and cleaned my room. Now I'm going to drink Bacardi and Diets until I just don't feel like it anymore. 

Thanks. 

Up next: Maybe I will finally do Tour of my Homes tomorrow... San Rafael. This one is going to take a hot minute to compile.

Photo of the Day:

Texas 3

The SS Good Feelings has docked and I am feeling wildly uncomfortable and irritable. Perhaps it was because of the 2 hours I spent driving around the FW Dallas Metropolis trying to find this job interview that turned out to be a dud. A dud because the place smelled like urine, and the job was teaching 4 year olds. WHY DID I EVEN SHOW UP?

Because I have a pathological need to be wanted, and I thought "hey, maybe". MAYBE NOT. Maybe never. Lesson learned for the 15th time. Hey, at least I learned it BEFORE accepting the job. Remind me why I went to this interview again? Maybe because it feels so good to say "no".

Texas 2

This is fun. Since I happen to be on a journey of self discovery, my assignment for today was appropriate. I was required to take a Meyers-Briggs Inventory for a UF online class and here is my personality profile:

YOU ARE EXTRAVERTED INTUITIVE. 

With Extraverted Intuitive personality types, words, ideas and possibilities spew effortlessly from them. Words are their best friends. They dance around ideas, the more, the merrier. Imaginative, spontaneous, original and enthusiastic, they have a knack for seeing other possibilities, other dreams and options. The world is never as it is but as it could be, as if it were but an artists sketch begging for colour. They initiate change and often are prone to trespassing a few known boundaries to take themselves and others where no one has been before. The status quo tends to lack inspiration.

When inspired, they are fearless and tireless. Their energy will know no limits unless red tape takes over. Routine drags them down. Their faith in possibilities and belief in the benefit of change often inspire others to follow. They are challenging, ingenious and innovative. They will give their best to what appears to be an impossible challenge, a place unknown to man or beast.

They use metaphors, stories, images and analogies to make their point.They love theories and often shape their own. They see patterns emerging. Keen improvisers, they are rarely caught off guard, there is always some thing up their sleeve. The sky is the only limit.

They are sometimes entertainers, artists or otherwise engaged in public demonstrations that allow their ideas to bloom. Their greatest difficulty is not in initiating projects but in choosing among so many possibilities, setting realistic boundaries, establishing priorities and correctly assessing resources.

ENFP: Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving. 

More interesting, here is the opposite personality profile of me: 

Introverted Sensing personality types are dependable, reliable and trustworthy. NOT ME! They like to belong to solid organisations that are reasonable in their ambitions and loyal to their employees I DONT WANT TO BELONG TO ANYTHING. They feel useful when their roles and responsibilities are clearly established and they can monitor their activities and productivity in tangible ways LIKE NUMBERS AND SHIT?. They tend to be rather modest, traditional and conventional, to like sensible clothing SEE: CRUISE PICTURES 2013, to be thrifty, careful and wise with both money and possessions HOARDING MCHOARDERSHITZ.

Once they accept a project, they will see it to the end. They manage their time well and are realistic about how much time and resources will be needed AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

They tend to like to stay in one neighbourhood EEEEH, WRONG, often choosing to live close to where they were themselves raised NEAR A METH LAB. They are often involved with volunteer organisations and have a developed sense of citizenship and accountability. When they purchase something, it is after careful consideration; rarely will they buy something without having a known need or use for it THAT SOUNDS AWFUL. They may keep possessions for a lifetime and treasure those that were given to them OR THROW THINGS AWAY IN A FIT OF ANGER ONCE A MONTH OR SO. 

They tend to have a good memory for specific facts that are necessary in their day-to-day life at work and at home. They accumulate facts and details to orient themselves, relying on repeated experiences that have been proven trustworthy I'LL ALLOW IT. A fact once experienced may be the product of circumstance and happenstance; it is not in and of itself reliable FILTHY LIES. When an introverted sensing type hears an idea, they rummage through reams of archived facts to find an experience that provides information for the relevance and realism of an idea. When an introverted sensing type utters, "It's never been done!" they are saying that no information about the relevance or usefulness of the idea is available to them. They tend to shy away from surprises and what is perceived as unnecessary change HOW UTTERLY BORING.

Photo of the day:

Up next: Whatever I want, gosh.  

Texas 1

30 Days of rest starts today.

It's 11:37 am. I'm in my new (temporary) home in Texas. We will be at Corey's dad's until August. It's such a cozy house. Katniss greeted me last night with the enthusiasm I expected. It still warms my hear to see her. There is no love like the love one feels for a dog.

Tyler and I decided to make the drive in one fell swoop. I was glad not to have to bother with a hotel. He was wonderful and did a lot of the driving. I made myself close my eyes and listen to my iPod. Really, truly listen- something I haven't done in a very long time. Death Cab for Cutie aided my mediation. I found myself repeating the following phrase- "Allow yourself to listen". I am so vigilant when Corey drives. I would never close my eyes. I barely trust any other drivers at all. The drive to Texas was mostly free of traffic, so I didn't feel the usual car-induced tension that prohibits me from relaxing.

So I listened to my music and closed my eyes and let it wash over me, let it wash away my sanity (Hilary Duff reference?)

Today I plan to catch up on homework, be with my boyfriend, and work on my novel. I helped Mindy pick out shoes on the internet and needled her to go get her hair professionally "relaxed" because change is fun and I already changed my own hair once this week. There is a possibility of Pizza Rolls in my immediate future. Nourish the body, nourish the soul.

That's it. That is absolutely it.

Up Next: An Update of Tour of My Homes. Which place will it be next??!! (Chronologically, there's only one answer to this question).

Photo of the Day: I thought this one would be appropriate, a way to pay homage to my move.

To DFW... and beyond!

I've been working on taming my raw emotions, not letting things that are minor overwhelm me to the point of rage and tears.


However, I put that practice on hold today when the American Airlines Check In Lady Person told me that Katniss's crate was not going to be accepted for flight. I purchased it because it is IAHA certified... supposedly. She informed me in her hostile english accent that it needed to have a different latching system. I usually greet situations like this with anger, but all that I could produce was a muted sob, though it didn't stay muted for long. I rolled Katniss and my carry-on baggage over to the waiting area, filling out the sticker the woman gave me in a feeble attempt to provide me with hope ("for when you buy a new crate, fill it out now so you're ready").

Luckily, the morning's events allowed for just such a solution. My sister was supposed to ride with me to the airport and take my car for the weekend. I was going to pick her up at 8 am, but I texted her and changed it to 8:30 because I was running behind. When I arrived at her dorm at 8:20 I called a few times. Nothing. I texted. Nothing. I creepily paced up and down the outside of her dormitory hallway. Stalkerish. I asked a girl to let me in. She uncomfortably told me she didn't have access to that dorm. I didn't want to be too late to the airport, so I called Tyler who of course saved my day. He took me to the airport and dropped me off with a smile and a wave. Bye Tyler!

Just kidding. Not bye Tyler. More like "HI TYLER THEY WONT TAKE KATNISSESS CRATE I NEED A NEW CRATE BUT I DONT HAVE ANY :HICCUP: MONEY :HICCUP: SHE SAID YOU CAN GO TO WALMART..." And thus began Tyler's search for the crate. I directed him to Petsmart, where a very friendly salesperson helped him purchase and assemble the crate. This was not her first rodeo with distressed airline patrons. They recently changed the policy about crates. Joyous.

So like a white knight, Tyler delivered a masterfully assembled bolted crate and Katniss, like a chocolate knight, hopped in and happily panted. That's my girl!

I now rest in the terminal, waiting for a flight that is scheduled to board at 2:10. I have all the entertainment I could ever want: Computer, Kindle, Phone, Book, Notebook.

I met a few nice people while I was sobbing earlier. Two small children fearlessly stuck their hands in Katniss's crate (one of them was in kindergarten :)) and they informed me that they had never seen a more beautiful dog and that "they would never forget Corey" (because they misunderstood me when I said I was going to SEE a person named Corey, not bringing Corey). It's probably for the best that the name Katniss prompted blank stares from the children... they are too young for Hunger Games. Most of the staff I encountered was friendly, and people wanted to help me. It was a very pleasant morning, other then the absolute chaos.

I hope that was the most exciting part of the departure. I cannot wait to be greeted by the love of my life in just a few hours.

Peace and Blessings.